Me & My Boys

2012-01-29T23:34:00.002-07:00

Pinewood Derby

I have not hated two words so much in a long time!
These two words have brought out so much anger in me and I don't know how to deal with it.
I am so angry that Clint is not here to help Nik & Nate with their cars. He would have loved it! And I'm sure they would've had amazing cars! Now don't get me wrong we are super lucky to have lots of uncles and grandpa's around to help, plus our ward set up days to cut them out and put the weights in which was so helpful. But I'm just so mad that Clint's not here, I just don't want to have to deal with it at all.
Oh and did I mention the best part of all of this. Guess when the pinewood derby is, just take a guess...of all the days there are it just has to be on February 16. Really. Are you freaking kidding me!

I just feel like I was doing pretty well. I was actually starting to sleep better and feeling like maybe life was going to be ok and I could do this. And then this comes. Now I haven't been able to sleep and my patience level, especially with my poor boys, is at an all time low. I'm just struggling.

I know this all sounds pretty stupid. I mean really it's just the pinewood derby. But I don't want to be angry all the time. I really want to be happy, and more than anything I want my boys to be happy. I don't want their memories of their first pinewood derby to be of me being miserable. I want them to have fun, but I also don't know if I can do fun on that particular day. Uuugghh, I just hate all of this!

Sorry for the venting, I'm just going to shut up now and go take some advil pm and hope I can fall asleep before 3 am

2012-01-22T16:11:00.001-07:00

Everyone should watch this. It's about 25 minutes and it's so great!
http://byutv.org/watch/97be8249-7b2a-4249-b9dc-ceb70dc2315d

2012-01-18T22:16:00.001-07:00

One of the best ways to have a little heaven in your home is to have someone you love in heaven

I miss you sweetie!

Jepperson Family Christmas Party

2012-01-10T11:36:00.004-07:00

Here are some pictures from the 2011 Jepperson Family Christmas Party

Here are all the kids waiting for Santa to come in. I love how excited kids get about seeing Santa :)

Here's Noah

Here's Nik

And here's Nate...he asked for a guitar

Here are all the kids (and Grandma) being reindeer and singing with Santa

We always go on a hay ride at the end of this party. I usually dread it (I really hate being cold:) but this year I actually kinda enjoyed it. It wasn't too freezing and the boys love it!

Here is Max & Nik

Nik, Noah & Mom

Camie & Grandma J

Jeff, Lilly, Sidney & Nate

This was pretty much the only extended family party we went to this year since we were out of town for the Dorton party so I'm glad we went. It was a really good night!

Gingerbread Houses

2012-01-10T11:16:00.002-07:00

Our annual gingerbread house making tradition with Camie, Jeff, Max & Lilly. It's always a fun time! Really missed Clint, he really loved making these every year!

We made the house and Camie made the train. I think we all did a pretty dang good job. I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty proud of that house! Too bad by the next day it was stripped of most candy and looked pretty sad :)

2012-01-10T10:28:00.002-07:00

So I'm going to try to do some catch up on the blog since I suck at keeping it updated lately.

I had to post these pictures of Noah. I know the pictures are really bad but they're the best I have. Noah has lost his two front bottom teeth in the last little while, it's so cute! They were both loose forever and he would not pull them out. They were hanging on by a thread for so long until they pretty much just fell out in his hand.

Finally they are both out!

I told him that he could now sing 'All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth' and he looked at me and said "Mom, that is NOT what I want for Christmas"
Love this kid!

2011-12-25T23:16:00.001-07:00

Merry Christmas!!
What an amazing day, we are so blessed. Thanks to everyone who made it so great, we got spoiled (and even more spoiled from someone who left presents on our porch, thanks so much we love them)!
We have the best family and friends in the world! Love you!!

2011-12-17T00:02:00.003-07:00

10 months...

I can't believe it's been that long. But I can't believe that it's only been that long. (I know I say that every month)

My thoughts and feelings are just so screwed up. Some moments it seems like he is just gone to work and will walk through the door any second. And then the next moment it will feel like it's been decades since I've seen his smile, or felt his touch. It can seriously change in a heartbeat. I still walk by his picture sometimes and think 'why are you not here, where are you' Of course I know where he is, but it just feels like he should still be here. I'm still not sure how we are surviving without him, but somehow we make it through the days.

I miss you sweetie! More than I could ever express!!

I have SO much to blog about but I've been seriously lacking motivation lately. These holidays are kind of throwing me for a loop, but I do need to give a shout out to the most amazing friends (you know who you are)! Without you we wouldn't have a decorated tree, let alone two, or all those presents underneath it. I would not survive without you!! And I definitely don't deserve you, but I hope you know how much I love you both! THANK YOU!!

2011-12-07T00:04:00.002-07:00

struggling...

tired...

trying...

miss him...

one day at a time.

Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T09:19:00.000-07:00

This Thanksgiving I have so much to be thankful for. Sometimes it's hard to think of the good things in my life because of the one huge thing that's not in it right now (at least not the way I want him in it). So I really needed to count my blessings today to remember how blessed I truly am...

I am so thankful for eternal families! I am thankful for my knowledge of the plan of salvation and the blessings of the temple. And especially for my Heavenly Father and my Savior, Jesus Christ.

I am so thankful for good friends! You know I wouldn't survive without you.

I am thankful for all the family, friends and even strangers who have gotten me through the last 19+ months. Your thoughts and prayers have held me up so many (well let's be honest, most) days. You will never know how much you truly mean to me.

I am so thankful for my three boys! You are the biggest blessing in my life. You each have a piece of your daddy in you that keeps him here with us everyday! I love that I see him every time I look at you!

Mostly, I am so thankful that I am sealed to such an amazing man! He taught me so much. He showed me what true love really is. He taught me about service and loving others (yes I know I am working on this one ;). He always made me feel so strong and like I was capable of anything. He showed me the kind of person I hope to be someday. I can't wait to spend forever with you sweetie! I love you!!

There are so many more things I am thankful for today. But I have a lot of rolls to make so I better go get started :) Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

2011-11-16T22:54:00.001-07:00

9 months and I still miss you every second :( I love you sweetie!

Happy Birthday Sweetie

2011-10-30T22:37:00.003-06:00

Happy Birthday to the most amazing man I have ever known.
I miss you more than I could ever say.
So do your boys. They keep saying things like "I really wish dad was here for his birthday".
Nothing is the same without you here. Even the good things aren't as good because you aren't here to share them with us.
I ate some of your moms pumpkin pie for you today. It made me sad.
It is really hard not to be mad on days like today.
You should be here. With me. With our boys.
I should be teasing you because you are SO old.
We should be eating pumpkin pie together.
I hate this.
I miss you.
I love you.

2011-10-28T23:18:00.000-06:00

I really wish I could just close my eyes and wake up in March. I don't know if I can make it through the next few months without him. I really miss him.

2011-10-22T00:23:00.000-06:00

Had such a fun night tonight!
And I'm so glad my boys are having so much fun hanging out with cousins this weekend.
But this house is really empty right now.
And it really sucks not having someone to come home too :(

2011-10-19T00:09:00.001-06:00

'You never know the sacredness of a smile or laugh until you can't hear or see the one you most love'.
Feeling so alone.
Really wish I could just sleep.

Sea World

2011-10-18T21:51:00.007-06:00

So on our second full day in San Diego we went to Sea World. It is definitely one of my favorite places in the world. It brought back a lot of memories of being there in January with Clint. It was a little hard but those are such good fun memories (his cowboy hat, getting soaked at the dolphin show, oh I miss him). So I didn't really take any good pictures at Sea World and sadly didn't get any with the Allens :( probably because 90% of the pictures I took that day didn't have people in them just animals, oops :)
Again prepare yourself for picture overload...

The boys at the dolphin show

Dolphin Show

Dolphin Show

One of the many aquariums

Nik

Noah & Nate (sorry about the crappy pic:)

Noah & Nate (who was being a brat and wouldn't turn around)

Nate, Nik, Noah with the beluga whales

Nate with the polar bear (his favorite animal!

Nate with polar bear #2

Nik with the polar bear

I love turtles

Shamu-My favorite thing about Sea World!

Shamu :)

Shamu

Shamu

Shamu

Nate, Nik, Noah with the penguins

Cheryl bought all the boys stuffed animals (and Abby got a super cute shirt). They LOVE them! (well at least I know my boys do:) I'm pretty sure they've slept with them every night. We love Grandma Cheryl! My boys thought it was so cool that she sat in all the splash zones with Brady.
Blake, Noah, Nate, Nik, Cheryl, Brady
We had so much fun! I wish we could do it everyday!
Travis & Michelle are you ready to go back yet?

Stay tuned for our day at the ocean.....

2011-10-16T22:03:00.002-06:00

It's been 8 months today.
I really can't believe it's been that long. Time just keeps going even when I'm not sure I can.
I'm so lucky to have such amazing friends and family who help me stay semi sane :) And my boys who are still the reason I get out of bed every morning, love them so much!
So I guess we'll just keep going. One day at a time. Until we get to see him again.
Miss you sweetie!

LEGOLAND

2011-10-08T22:12:00.010-06:00

We had such a great time in San Diego! I'm really wishing we could go back, especially since it's been freezing and raining ever since we came back home (it even snowed for a little bit at our house on Thursday:( I'm SO not ready for winter weather)
On Friday we met up with Travis, Michelle, Brady, Blake, Abby, and Cheryl (Travis' mom) at the hotel in La Jolla. We went out for a yummy dinner and went and walked around the temple. After that the kids wanted to go swimming, it wasn't super warm so they didn't last too long in the pool but they had fun!

The next day we went to Legoland. It was such a great place for the boys, they are the perfect age for it. They even told me more than once that they liked it more than disneyland!
So get prepared for a lot of pictures...

Here are all the kids with Darth Vader
Nate, Nik, & Brady on the log ride
Nik, Brady, & Blake went on this ship ride where they got soaked, mainly by Nate, Noah, & Abby who sprayed them from the sidelines :)
Noah, me, & Nate on a fun ride. This was like the tidal wave ride at lagoon except the ship turns sideways as well as goes back & forth.
Here is Travis, Abby, Brady, Blake, & Nik on the tidal wave ride
Here are the kiddos in front of Lego Las Vegas, it really was amazing to see all the things they did with legos
Travis and the boys went on this ride (think tea cups) Yeah us girls were smart and opted out of this one :)
Of course we had to get a picture with Lego Harry and Hagrid
Nik wanted a pic with Indiana Jones
And Noah had to have a picture with Bob the Builder :)
One of the boys favorite things at legoland was the lego cars. They loved it! They got a drivers license which they all thought was so cool. They got to drive all around a little lego city complete with stop lights and everything. So much fun!
Here is Brady
And Noah
And Nik
And Blake
And Nate
There was a big splash pad area which the kids played at forever
And of course they had to do the big slide

They had a bunch of fun halloween stuff around. Here they are with a silly scarecrow
And they got locked up...
Nik & Nate
Noah & Abby

Blake & Abby
Brady & Travis went on this crazy ride!
So did Blake (although he had a little less crazy level of ride :)
This is what Noah did every chance he got, if there was something around that could possibly be climbed on he was climbing on it!
Some other fun things we did there but didn't get any pictures of were... making lego pumpkins for the pumpkin patch, building and racing lego cars and going to the 'Brick or Treat' area where they got a bag full of goodies!
It was such a great day! The boys had such a fun time and have been playing with their legos non stop since we got home. Love it!

California

2011-09-30T23:47:00.002-06:00

Made it to San Diego today. It's beautiful here, really wish I could afford to live here.
The boys did amazing on the drive. They really are good little travelers.
I struggled a little. I really miss my driver. There were quite a few times when I was driving that I would just burst into tears. It's so hard not having him here. I never use to drive anywhere. Even when we came to California in January he drove the entire way (I promise I offered). We always made such a great team on road trips. He would drive and I would navigate.
It's hard being here without him. He loved the beach so much. When we were here last that is the one thing that he wished he could do was get in the ocean. We talked about how the next time we came he'd be able to be out there swimming with the boys, I never thought the next time we came it would be without him. Well hopefully he can get a little break from his business in heaven and get to be with me & the boys when we go to the beach.
Today is just one of those days where I can't believe he is really gone. We aren't supposed to be on vacation without him. He should be here. Struggling...

Light the Night

2011-09-27T23:07:00.004-06:00

What an amazing night!
We had such a great time. On our way home the boys asked me if we could do this every year :) that says a lot. (Of course it might have been because of the bounce houses and the face painting and the fun tattoos :)
Thank you SO much to all who donated, it's such a great cause.

Here are some pictures from our night...

We made shirts for our team (40 of them). For not knowing what we were doing I think they turned out pretty dang good :)
Here is the front
Here is the back
Me & My Boys
The walk getting under way
Our awesome banner

The whole gang, yep I have an amazing family!
We had so much fun! I even ran into our 2 favorite PA's, Shar and Ali, it was SO great to see them!
There was a remembrance ceremony before the walk which was also really good, pretty emotional but good. I'm glad the boys got to be there for that.
On our way home the boys and I stopped at Denny's for dinner (yes it was almost 10, but we were hungry). I'm so blessed to have those three amazing boys in my life!
This will definitely be an annual thing for us, so plan on joining our team next year!
Go Team Friends 4 Clint!

Thanks Everyone!!!

2011-09-22T22:53:00.002-06:00

11 years ago today I married the most amazing man
A man way too good for me (especially the me I was back then)
The strongest, gentlest, most caring man
My man...

We thought our lives would be perfect
And for nine and a half years they were pretty dang close...
I miss him so much today
Our anniversary was the one day I could totally count on him to be the one to find a sitter and take me somewhere (usually for more than a day)
I really missed that today
And as hard as things seem most days, I would do it all again in a heartbeat
Because being loved by him is the most amazing feeling in the world
I'm so lucky that he is stuck with me for eternity
I miss you sweetie, Happy Anniversary

I came across this poem in the cemetery the other day and really loved it...

God saw that you were tired, and a cure was not to be
So he put His arms around you, and whispered, "come to me"
With tearful eyes we watched you and saw you pass away
Although we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay
A golden heart stopped beating, hard working hands to rest
God broke our hearts to prove to us, He only takes the best

Light the Night

2011-09-18T21:46:00.002-06:00

Go team Friends 4 Clint!
Only a few days left. Please donate if you can.
http://pages.lightthenight.org/dm/saltlake11/AJepperson
Thanks!

Do it for him...and all those fighting today. Miss him!

2011-09-16T00:20:00.001-06:00

We went to the carnival at the boys school tonight. They had a ton of fun! Played so many games, got way too much candy, and of course balloons. They all wanted to stop at the cemetery on the way home and send their balloons up to dad, so of course we did! I hope these boys know how much I love them!!

2011-09-14T20:49:00.002-06:00

30 weeks...
how is that possible...
will it ever get easier...
I miss him!!!

Light the Night Walk

2011-09-12T19:46:00.003-06:00

We have put together a team for the LLS light the night walk.
Our team name is Friends 4 Clint.

Please help us honor Clint and his battle against leukemia by joining our team, or by donating, if you can. All donations are tax deductible and can be made by going to http://pages.lightthenight.org/dm/saltlake11/AJepperson. Please help us to reach our fundraising goal!

Thank you for all your support!

Just a reminder the walk is Saturday, September 24th. Festivities start at 5 pm with a Remembrance Ceremony at 6:30 to honor all those that we have lost to blood cancers. The opening ceremony starts at 7:05 with the walk starting right after that.
Hope to see you all there!
(This is us at the beach one night in Australia...good memories...miss you sweetie!!)

2011-09-03T21:46:00.000-06:00

I just want to say THANK YOU to the best family and friends a girl could ask for!
Such a great day. An emotional day. But a great day. I'll try and blog more about it tomorrow, right now I'm exhausted.
But aren't these the cutest ready to get baptized boys ever!!!

2011-08-31T14:49:00.001-06:00

28 weeks
I hate wednesdays
Plus I'm already sick of fighting with the boys to do their homework
There is so much I need to be doing and I have no motivation
Ugghh...Have I mentioned I hate wednesdays!

2011-08-29T21:03:00.002-06:00

Oh and just in case you're wondering if I forgot Nik & Nate's birthday...
They did have a super fun "surprise pool party" and as soon as I get my hands on some pictures I'll blog about it :)

Light the Night

2011-08-29T20:52:00.004-06:00

Hey everyone, we are putting together a team for the LLS (Leukemia & Lymphoma Society) Light the Night Walk. If you are interested in joining our team or donating to our team (100% of the donations go to the LLS) please let me know ASAP! The walk is at Sugarhouse Park on September 24 @ 5:00 pm. If you are interested in knowing more about Light the Night go here.
Come help us honor Clint in his hard fought battle against leukemia. And help us raise money to find a cure so others don't have to go through what he did!
Thanks! Love you all!

2011-08-29T20:37:00.005-06:00

ATTENTION ALL FAMILY AND FRIENDS...
Nik & Nate are getting baptized!
And we'd love for you to come.

I can't believe these two are 8 years old!
Where does the time go?

And how stinking cute are they :)

And how lucky are we to have the most amazing photographer in the world in our family!
Thanks Kim, Love you!

2011-08-27T23:22:00.001-06:00

Nik & Nate on their first day of second grade!
How did they get so grown up?

Ready to go

Noah wanted his picture taken too :)
Tuesday can't come soon enough for him!

Heading into the classroom

Love these boys!!

2011-08-16T01:20:00.001-06:00

6 months.
How is it possible that I've lived half a year without him. Sometimes it doesn't really feel like living. Sometimes it just feels like work. Work to get through another day. But every day I get through is one day closer I am to seeing him again. So I'll hold on to that.
And I'll try to make it through today.

2011-08-15T01:18:00.003-06:00

So there is a crazy storm going on outside.
Wind, thunder, lightning.
It is really making me think of Clint.
At our old house we built an amazing covered deck off our master bedroom. Whenever there was a storm we would go sit out on the deck and watch the lightning.
I miss that.
I miss our house.
I miss our life.
I just miss him!

2011-08-10T00:35:00.001-06:00

I don't know why I'm struggling so bad lately. I'm just so stressed and frustrated with everything. I have such good intentions every day of things I'm going to do with or for the boys, but I never end up doing any of it. Today I barely got out of bed other than to get mad at the boys for fighting with each other. What is wrong with me? Why is everything so hard??

2011-08-10T00:30:00.001-06:00

We ran up to the cabin for a couple days with my parents and Chris. It was really good to get away from here, even just for a little bit. It was so beautiful and the boys had such a great time. We hiked, went four wheeling, and the boys got to shoot a real gun. Just wish we could've stayed longer!

2011-07-30T22:42:00.003-06:00

I just want to say thank you to the amazing friends in my life!

You know who you are...
You are the ones that save my kids from completely hating me by giving us all something fun to do.
You are the ones who save my sanity by taking me on much needed girls nights out.
You are the ones who listen to me vent over and over again.
You are the ones who keep me going everyday even when I don't want to do it anymore.
And a million more amazing things...

I am so lucky!

THANK YOU!!!

23 Weeks

2011-07-27T01:36:00.002-06:00

161 days
Since I've seen his face
Felt his kiss
Heard him tell me he loved me
It's been long enough

I felt like I was doing fairly well
But things seem to be getting harder
I'm just done being without him
I just want to tell God (let's not lie, I have told Him)
That's enough, You need to bring him back now
It's been long enough

I hate having to make every decision for me and the boys
I hate not having him here to talk things over with
To agree or disagree with me
I just want to hear him talk to me

It's just really hard
Even when we are doing fun things it almost pisses me off, because all I can think of is 'I wish he was here' 'I wish he could see this'
But in all honesty pretty much everything pisses me off these days. I'm pissed when I see happy couples because I want the love of my life back. I'm pissed when I see unhappy couples, don't they know how lucky they are to be alive and have each other right there. Let's face it I'm just pissed when I see couples period! I'm pissed when I see old people, because they're old and Clint will never grow old with me.
(Sorry about the overusage of the word pissed.)

I don't want to be angry
I want to be happy
And sometimes I really am
But I just miss him
So much
Every second

I know that I am truly blessed, sometimes it's just hard to think of that through the grief
But I am
I am loved by the most amazing man
I have three amazing boys who love me even through all my craziness
I have an awesome, supportive extended family
I have the greatest friends
I have a Heavenly Father who loves me (even when I'm angry with him)
And a Savior who died for me, and who knows exactly how I'm feeling
Plus a million other things I've been blessed with

I guess I just need to try harder to concentrate on the blessings list and not so much on the pissed off list

I'm trying, I'm really trying

2011-07-16T02:07:00.001-06:00

5 months...

I found this on a widow blog the other day and it pretty much sums up how I feel

"The incapacitating sadness that saps all energy yet prevents you from sleep"

I just miss him so much and it seems to be getting harder. Why does life have to be so hard?

Soggy Golf

2011-07-07T22:17:00.000-06:00

The boys had their last day of golf camp today. Unfortunately the rain decided to make an appearance as well. We made it through 5 holes thinking the rain would let up but it just didn't! We were all completely soaked and Noah was freezing so we finally gave up! But the boys love golf and I'm so glad. It is really hard to see them play without Clint here, I find myself wiping away tears all the time watching them. He would be so proud!

Nik's Black Eye

2011-07-06T23:25:00.001-06:00

Nik got his first shiner!
He got in a fight with Nate's doorknob and the doorknob won :)

2011-07-06T03:07:00.001-06:00

Why can't my brain just shut off at night?!?
Really missing Clint, can't believe it's been 20 weeks without him.
How is this my life?

2011-06-30T23:17:00.001-06:00

June was really rough, especially the last couple weeks. Praying that July is better.
I have a lot to blog about but am too tired right now, plus I have a nasty cold:(, hopefully I'll get to it soon.
I really miss him.

2011-06-18T01:08:00.001-06:00

And just to make the weekend even better Nate just started puking his guts out and has diarrhea :( great...

4 months

2011-06-17T21:35:00.003-06:00

I really hate the 16th. It is always a rough day. It's just so crazy how 4 months can feel so long and so short all at the same time. I feel like this week has been extra rough for some reason.

I am really dreading Fathers Day. Last Sunday at church a member of the primary presidency came up to me and told me that the kids will be singing Families Can Be Together Forever in sacrament for Fathers Day instead of the usual I'm So Glad When Daddy Gets Home so that the boys would feel more comfortable singing with them. When we got home from church I asked them if they were excited to sing in sacrament the next week and one of them (I think Nik) said "We don't have to sing. It's for the dads and we don't have a dad". It truly broke my heart. I looked at him and said "You will be singing, because you do have a dad. And I'm sure he will be watching you sing to him on Sunday". It just hurt so badly because that is the one thing I never want the boys to think, that they don't have a dad. I hope and pray that one day they will understand how hard he fought and how badly he wanted to stay here with them.

Anyways...now that I've made myself cry yet again today (not that that is unusual) I am going to post some pictures of some actual fun things we have done lately.
The boys started golf lessons and they absolutely love it! The coaches are really impressed with how good they are, especially Noah, that kid can hit a golf ball. Hopefully Clint gets to see them when they are there hitting balls, he would be so proud. Here they are at their first lesson (Nik, Nate, Noah)
Then last Saturday we went to the Ryan Shupe & the Rubberband concert at the Sandy amphitheater. It was so fun! My mom and dad came with us and we had a blast. I truly love those guys. Clint and I have taken the boys to their summer concert and their Christmas concert every year pretty much since they were born. It was a little rough, really made me miss him, but I'm so glad we went. All my boys are huge Shupe fans! He even sang mine and Clint's favorite song All I Need you can check it out here. If you haven't been to one of their shows you are missing out!
My dad came over on Wednesday and cut down my big ugly tree in the backyard. I really hope my dad survives all this house stuff that he does for me. I truly don't know what I'd do with out him. Thanks dad! I forgot to take a picture until he was halfway done, but you get the idea right?!?
We also had 'Christmas in June' at our house. I told the boys before we moved in that we could get a playset and a trampoline and I finally made good on that promise. They are pretty excited, they sneak out every morning when they wake up and go jump on the tramp in their pj's. It makes me smile :) Oh and just a word of advice if you are looking for tramps online make sure you google trampolines and not tramps, unfortunately I learned this from experience:/ Here is all our new toys framed by the beautiful sunset we had last night. (Notice, no ugly tree:)
Jenny is at girls camp this week so we got to have 3 of her kiddos come and sleep over last night and play today. So this is pretty much what our entire day consisted of...
Thanks to everyone who continues to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. It truly means so much and helps more than you will ever know. And here's to praying that I make it through Fathers Day without a complete mental breakdown...

2011-06-14T02:38:00.002-06:00

I just want him back.

My heart is really hurting tonight.

I just want him to kiss me goodnight.

Everything is hard without him.

I really wish I could be more positive, but it's really hard.

He is the optimistic one.

I miss his optimism.

I miss everything.

2011-06-06T22:52:00.001-06:00

Why is it so hard to get out of bed in the morning?
I feel like such a horrible mom these days.
I really miss Clint.

2011-05-30T23:47:00.003-06:00

Happy Memorial Day!

Here are my cute boys visiting their daddy's grave.
We sure miss him!

A big thank you today and everyday to all the men and women who have fought or are fighting for our freedom! It is something that can never be repaid!
Happy Memorial Day Everyone!

Headstone

2011-05-29T21:48:00.005-06:00

So the nightmares did not come true.

phew:)
I am really happy with how it turned out.
Hopefully Clint is too.

Here is the front

And here is the back
I want to thank everyone who continues to love and support us.
Things have been kinda rough lately. I am just missing the power Clint had to balance me out. When my patience would run out with the boys he would always be right there to pick up the slack. I feel like all I do these days is yell at my kids, I feel like we're always fighting. I just feel really alone sometimes. (which I know I'm not, I have the best family in the world who give me plenty of breaks) But needless to say I am pretty terrified of school getting out because right now in my head summer means that I don't have those few hours each day to regroup and regain some patience. I just hope the boys can have some patience with me, and I hope they still love me by the time this summer is over.

Nightmares

2011-05-24T20:46:00.003-06:00

I have been having nightmares about the headstone lately.
A lot of them.
I never dream so it's freaking me out.
I dream that they spell our names wrong.
They put the wrong dates on.
The stone is the wrong color/shape etc.
And anything else that could possibly go wrong.
It's supposed to be in for Memorial Day so hopefully none of these nightmares will come true and these crazy dreams can stop! (I'll let you know...)

I mean really why can't, just once, I have a dream with Clint in it?
I miss him. Why does it seem like it just gets harder?

Our Weekend

2011-05-22T20:20:00.003-06:00

Friday was a busy day...

Noah had his Teddy Bear Picnic at school

And Nik and Nate had Pirate Day!
Yes they are doing their best pirate face :)
I got to go help out with pirate day and let me just say I don't know how 1st grade teachers stay sane! I really wanted to hurt some of those kids (yes I'm a horrible person)

We all had a fun day!

And then Matt took them camping Friday night where they had a blast! Thanks Uncle Matt!
And I got to go watch my little brother Chris take home the crown at the Mr YSA 2nd ward competition. You're amazing Chris, those infomercials are gonna be a hit :)

On Saturday Nik & Nate had their last soccer game. They have had a fun year playing soccer and have had some great coaches. Now we just have to decide if they want to try out for competition soccer, no rush, we have until tomorrow at 6 to make a decision (aaaahhh)

We ended the weekend by watching Harry Potter 2. My boys love Harry Potter! While Clint and I were at the hospital the boys watched all of them at my moms and became slightly obsessed:) Well I had not seen any of them so for Easter I got them all of the movies. So we have started watching them, I'm not gonna lie I think they're a little creepy for 5 & 7 year olds but they sure do love them! My only complaint so far is why are they so blasted long :)

I am so lucky to have these boys in my life. They keep me going, even when they are driving me crazy :) They are such good examples to me! I love you boys!

2011-05-21T21:15:00.002-06:00

I'm not gonna lie...
I was really hoping this 'the worlds gonna end today' stuff would've panned out. Today would've been a great day to see Clint.
I love you sweetie! And miss you more than anyone can imagine!

2011-05-10T23:35:00.000-06:00

Just saw my first fathers day commercial :(

Made me cry.

I miss him.

2011-04-27T23:34:00.003-06:00

The last couple weeks have been so crazy.
They have been so busy. More busy than I ever remember being before.
Which is probably good because there have also been some really rough days.
There was hitting two months without Clint. And then on April 21 it was a year from the day we first heard that word that changed our lives forever. Then our first Easter without him. And then Monday was my first birthday without him. It's all just really hard.

There are also so many great things that I need to blog about. But right now I am completely exhausted. I feel like all my posts have been so down lately. I really do think I'm doing alright most of the time. So I promise to try to post something fun and positive soon!
Thank you so much to all of you who are still keeping me and the boys in your thoughts and prayers. It is amazing the difference it makes in our lives. Love ya!

And just to tide you over here's a pic of my cute boys on one of our hikes in snow canyon over spring break...
Love these boys. They keep me going.

two months

2011-04-16T21:12:00.002-06:00

Today has been pretty rough. I have been very emotional. It's really hard to think that it's only been two months. I feel like it's been forever since I was able to see his face. And it's very hard not knowing how many years it'll be before I will be able to see it again.
I miss him so much. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe because I miss him so much.
It's hard to even go out some days because it's really hard seeing other couples together. It's also hard to watch TV because it just makes me think how unfair it is that he is not here to hold my hand, or hug me, or kiss me. Everything is just really hard.
I want to thank everyone for the thoughts, calls, texts, etc. today. It really helps me to know there are so many people who love me and my boys. Love you all!

2011-04-08T14:48:00.002-06:00

A garage door that opens with the push of a button=
One happy Amy!!!

2011-04-06T20:53:00.002-06:00

Tonight was rough.

I am really missing Clint.
The boys are really missing their dad.
Why did everything seem so much easier when he was here.

Moab

2011-03-27T23:22:00.003-06:00

We just got back from spending the weekend in Moab with my mom and dad.
Here are the boys on our first hike in Canyonlands.
It was fun.
The boys loved it!
The weather even cooperated with us (I even got a little sunburn on my face:)

But it was also really hard.
I thought it might be a little tough going there without him.
But it was really, really hard.
When we were getting close to town I saw the parking lot to a jeep trail that we'd gone on the last time we were there and I lost it. (Luckily the boys were engrossed in a movie so they didn't wonder what the heck was wrong with me.)
The boys all yelled out "There's Hotel 6, that's where we stayed last time with dad" when we passed Motel 6. It was fun to hear them talk about the memories of Moab they have with their dad. And I'm glad there are so many.

But right now I am mad. I am trying really hard not to be. But I am.
I am mad that they didn't get to make new memories with their dad this trip. I am mad that their first trip to the top of the sand hill with their rolls and flips on the way down, and their first time hiking to delicate arch, won't be associated with their dad.
I am just mad that he's not here.
Don't get me wrong, I know that he was there with us. I know that he got to see his boys do all these amazing things for the first time. But right now I just want him here. With me.
I just want to be able to hold his hand while we follow the boys on hikes. I just want to hear him tell me to 'relax and just let them be boys'. I want him to take us for a jeep ride. I miss our jeep rides.
I miss everything about him...

I know that I am so blessed.
And that I have so much more in my life than so many others. But sometimes it is just hard to not be mad. But even through the madness (I know right:) I know my Heavenly Father is there for me. I know he loves me so much! I know that as hard as this trial seems to me there are people out there going through worse things.
I am so blessed to have the gospel in my life. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the plan of salvation and that I can be with Clint for eternity! I am so grateful for my Savior and the peace he brings in my life.

I heard a quote today that I love...
"Begin to be now what you will be hereafter"
So hopefully I will wake up tomorrow a little less mad so I can start working on that:) I know I'm horrible huh?!?
Goodnight All. Love ya.

and i'll try to get more moab pics soon

2011-03-21T07:22:00.002-06:00

Well we survived the first night in the new house.
I don't think I got much sleep, but the boys all seemed to sleep great! Yeah!

More to come later....

One Month...

2011-03-16T20:31:00.002-06:00

Today has been really hard.

I have been very emotional.

It has been one month since the love of my life took his last breath.
One month without his kisses, his "I love you's", his touch.

I miss him.

I know I'll see him again, but I just really want to see him right now.
I think I'm going to try to go to sleep early tonight. Maybe I'll get lucky and see him in my dreams.

Goodnight.

ONE DAY AT A TIME

2011-03-15T22:00:00.001-06:00

Still here.

Very tired.

Very overwhelmed.

But so very blessed.

ONE DAY AT A TIME

2011-03-12T00:42:00.002-07:00

A friend sent this link to me.

It is amazing.

It was just what I needed.

You should all take the time to read it.

My favorite part..."Your reflections will increase your faith in Him as you see His hand helping you to endure some things and to change others. You will be able to rejoice in one more day, one more step toward eternal life."

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

2011-03-09T13:05:00.003-07:00

It's been 3 weeks.

Sometimes it seems like just yesterday.

Sometimes it seems like it has been forever.

I miss him every second.

It's really hard.

I'm so blessed to know this is true.

I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me.

I will be with Clint for eternity,
as long as I make the choices that will get me there.

2011-03-08T16:34:00.002-07:00

Noah and I ran errands today.
I actually made a list last night.
And I actually did everything on the list today.
Amazing.
We went to the mortuary (hopefully for the last time), the bank, the credit union, the post office, the furniture store, the gas station, and the headstone place.
Yeah that last one was rough. There are so many options and I have no idea what I want. Plus they are dang expensive. I left without making any decisions, other than deciding I needed to go walk around the cemetery (when it warms up a bit) to figure out what size, color, etc. I want.
As much as I don't want to pick one out, I really want to get it done. It is pretty sad to go to the cemetery right now and have nothing there. I think it will be good for the boys to have something to look at when we go there.

I think we are doing okay. The days are still long, but the nights are longer. It is just so hard to go from being with Clint pretty much 24/7 for the last 10 months to him just being gone. It's hard when the boys are fighting and I know that I am the one who is gonna have to break up every fight. It just sucks not having Clint here to enjoy that quiet time at night when the boys finally go to bed. That was OUR time.
I just really miss him.
The boys seem to be doing well. They are finally getting healthy again (I think they have been sick since the funeral). They are sleeping good and seem to be doing well in school. They talk about Clint quite a bit, which is good. I am so lucky to have them.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers and cards that continue to pour in. I could not make it through this without all of you! Love ya!

**If anyone has any ideas on headstones feel free to speak up:)

2011-03-03T23:19:00.002-07:00

So I'm still here...made it through yet another day.
Things are okay I guess. Still just very surreal. I told my brother that I really hope that things stay surreal because I think the day it becomes really real is gonna be a very bad day.
The boys have started acting out a little. But they have also been sick. So who knows if they're acting out because they feel crummy or because they are missing their daddy. Or both (which I'm guessing is the case). Nate yelled "I Hate You" at me yesterday for the first time ever (after saying it to both his brothers) which made me break down. It was kind of a rough day.
I'm starting to freak out about the house a little. I don't know what I'm doing. I've never had to make all these choices by myself. And it sucks. There are things I want to do with it but I don't know if I should. And should I do things before we move in or after. Clint would know the answers to all my crazy questions and it kills me that he's not right here to tell me to relax, and that it will all work out.
Sometimes my heart hurts so bad that I literally feel like it is going to break apart. I miss him.
Sorry this post is kind of a downer:( didn't plan on that when I started. I think I'm just tired, so I'm gonna go and try to get some sleep.
Thank you so much for all the prayers that are still being said for us. Please continue to keep the boys in your prayers, I think they need them. Also, please keep Trev & Mel in your prayers, they need a few extra right now. Love you all.

2011-02-25T23:34:00.002-07:00

Before I continue on with Monday night let me back up just a little bit. For the past little while Clint and I have been looking for a house. We both felt strongly that it was time to try and get back out on our own. Things had been going pretty well for quite a while and we just wanted something that was ours again.
Well the day Clint got rushed to the hospital, Feb 1st, was the day we got the news that our offer had been accepted on the house we wanted. Now this house is not really dream house material but it was in our price range, had enough bedrooms for the boys, and the main selling feature is that it has a huge backyard for the boys to play in.
Well obviously things were a little crazy right then and I didn't know if we should move forward with the house or not. But Clint was pretty adamant that we keep moving forward with it.

Now back to Monday night. Like I said before, it had been a really good day. We were just getting ready to go to bed when all the sudden Clint started feeling really crappy. He started with some pretty severe diarrhea and vomiting and just did not feel good at all. Well this lasted for hours and at some point in the middle of the night he just looked at me and said, 'I'm done. I just can't do it anymore.' At this point I wish I could say I was totally supportive and said I understood or something but I didn't. We had just got the inspection done on the house and there were a bunch of little things wrong with it (little things to him, huge things to me) and I started freaking out. I was crying and saying 'I don't know what to do with this house. You have to help me. I don't know how to do anything'. So instead of consoling him like I should have, he was consoling me, like usual. He told me he was okay and we'd figure everything out.
Well the next morning we had an appointment at AF Hospital to get platelets. Clint really did not want to go, he just wanted to stay in bed. But we finally made it over there and ended up being there for a while getting a chest x-ray and stuff. When we got home our transplant coordinator LaDee called and said she wanted to send someone from hospice over to meet with us just so we'd have an idea of when or if we should go on hospice, which ended up being a huge blessing.
We were supposed to meet our realtor Aaron at the new house on Thursday but Clint decided we should go now, so he called Aaron and a couple friends, Sam & Doug, to meet us at the house that afternoon so we could go over all the issues from the inspection. While there Sam & Doug were able to tell us that everything was fairly minor and would be pretty easy to take care of. Once they told Clint this he turned to me and said 'See they will take care of you. I can die now.' I didn't like that statement at all, but it turned out he knew what he was talking about.
After going to the house we came back home and just hung out the rest of the night. He seemed to be doing alright, just extra tired. We put the boys to bed, watched some TV, and then went in to go to bed. He was laying on the bed and said that he needed to go to the bathroom, so he got up and headed there. I went with him which I'd been doing since he'd passed out a couple weeks earlier. But he didn't make it. He got to the bathroom door and started swaying back and forth, luckily I was right there and caught him and laid him down in the hall, while screaming hysterically for my parents. It was exactly what had happened exactly 2 weeks earlier. I asked him what he wanted me to do, even though I already knew. I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital, he said no. I asked him if he wanted me to call 911, he said no. I knew he did not want to and could not go through what he'd just been through again. So I had my parents call his parents and call my brother Trevor who is a fireman/emt who just lives down the block. When Trevor got here we took Clints blood pressure and it was 53/32, his oxygen level started falling quickly and he wasn't very coherent. At this point we didn't think he'd make it too much longer so we called his brothers and sisters.
I think he knew it was time, but he just did not want to leave us. He has said that from the beginning, he was never scared to die he was just scared of leaving me and the boys. I think most of his family stuck around most of that night, I don't know for sure because I could not leave Clint's side. I don't think anyone got much sleep, I didn't dare sleep for fear I'd miss his last breath. I don't think any of us thought he'd still be with us in the morning, but he defied all the odds up to the last second.
Wednesday came with Clint still here, but we could tell he was getting more and more uncomfortable and it was getting really hard to get him to swallow any pain pills. Thankfully LaDee had sent hospice to meet with us the day before, so I called them and asked them to come as soon as possible with some pain medicine. Once they finally got here we were able to get him more comfortable which was good. The hospice nurse told us that it wouldn't be long, she didn't think it'd be more than a few hours at most.
Throughout this whole ordeal he was kind of in and out of consciousness. Some times you could get him to answer your questions and other times you couldn't. Some things he said would make complete sense and others no sense at all. He did have some pretty good one liners that day, I wish we would've written some of them down. Once when Camie was trying to give him morphine he told her she was 'royally pissing him off'. And I would get all sorts of responses when I would tell him I love him. Some of them were 'It's all good', and 'that's stupid' (stupid was definitely one of his favorite words that day) but luckily a few times he told me that he loves me too. He was also very agreeable, he would say yes to almost anything. When I was laying next to him I asked someone standing on the other side of the bed 'will you hand me a tissue' and Clint answered 'sure!' such a sweetheart.
Most of Clint's family and my family were at the house all day. The boys were here and would come in and out occasionally. I remember saying, 'man it'd be nice to be a kid your whole world is changing but you go watch a movie and everything's okay'. I'd like to hope it's because we had been preparing them for this for a while, but I think it's because they're just kids. They all came in a few different times and said goodbye to daddy and gave him hugs.
As evening came the weather outside took a turn for the worse, I could hear the rain falling hard against the window as I laid in bed with Clint. He'd been kind of holding steady all day when suddenly he took a turn too. You could hear in his breathing that things had changed. When the hospice nurse came she said that the oxygen wasn't doing much but prolonging death, she told us if we took it off it would speed things along. Well I'd asked Clint a few time throughout the day if he was ready to take it off and every time he would answer with a no, so you can bet I wasn't taking it off if he wasn't ready. Then came the moment, I knew he was ready. It still took me a few minutes, but then I removed his oxygen. A short time passed and while surrounded by most of our family members, and while I held him, he took his final breath. Right when he took his last breath the power went out, not just a flicker, total darkness. It was so crazy, and amazing. My dad brought in flash lights and lanterns, it was so beautiful and peaceful. As hard as it was to let him go it was so comforting to finally see peace on that beautiful face again, it had been such a long time since I'd seen that. It took the mortuary about 3 hours to get to the house and the power was out the entire time, but as soon as they stepped into the house the lights came on. Again crazy, and amazing! I told the boys that daddy had magical powers now:) I like to think he was sending us a sign just to let us know that he's still with us.
Clint fought for every second he had the last 10 months, and I will be eternally grateful for the memories we were able to make with the boys because he fought so hard. He truly is the most amazing man I have ever known. He took care of me up until the last second, and I know he is still taking care of me. He promised me he'd still be around to help me raise these boys, I told him I was not taking sole responsibility for screwing them up. Even though my heart hurts so bad sometimes I can't breathe, I know that he is up there watching over us. And I also know that he is mine for eternity, I just have to make it there. Tonight in his prayer Noah said 'and bless us that we can die' and after he was done I said 'Noah we don't want to die, we want to live' and he said 'but I blessed us that we can die so we can see dad'. I had to explain to him that we will for sure see dad again but we need to live first. I'm so blessed to have these three boys in my life. They are definitely what is keeping me going. I told Clint the day he died 'now I know why Heavenly Father sent us three boys that look exactly like you, it's so I can see your face everyday when I look at them, while you're not here'. How lucky am I?

So this post has been a lot longer than I thought and it has been very emotional for me. So if it doesn't make sense then sorry. I just wanted to try and get things written down for the boys before I forget stuff. I am so, so thankful for all the prayers that have been said and are still being said in behalf of me and the boys. I'm pretty sure that they are the main reason I can get out of bed each day. So please keep them coming, I might need them for a little while. Love you all! Good night.

2011-02-24T20:38:00.002-07:00

So back to Saturday Feb. 12.....
It was a pretty bad day. Probably the worst we'd ever had at the hospital. It just felt like we totally fell through the cracks with everyone.
It all started when our nurse walked in. A float nurse. One that never works on East 8. On the day we are supposed to be going home.:( Clint asked him what the plan was for the day and he started to explain to us that about 9 or 10 they have a meeting with the dr.s called rounds (seriously). I wanted to punch him. Yes we know what rounds are moron. So I sat up and said 'Let me tell you what our plan is today. Clint needs platelets and phosphorous and magnesium, so you need to get them started asap because they take forever and we are going home today'. He looked at me like I was a little crazy and said he'd try to get things going. That was just the beginning, it just seemed like people were forgetting us left and right. Our med list came back without any of our antibiotics on it, and when I noticed it there was nobody still there that could help us. They tried to send us home without oxygen. Just a ton of things were going wrong. It felt like nobody cared how or when we left, which we'd never felt from there before.
When we finally got home around 8 pm we were both emotionally spent. We ended up having an okay night. Clint felt alright, just very weak. I didn't sleep much because they forgot to order the o2 monitor so I felt like I had to watch him all night to make sure he was breathing alright (just one more thing that was forgotten) and he didn't sleep much because he never really does.
Sunday was a good day. We hung out with the boys, had some visitors, and made some yummy valentine cookies. It was just nice to be together as a family, the boys were so happy to have their dad home. They seemed to have missed him more than usual this hospital stay, so it was fun to spend the day with them.
Monday was another good day. Clint was even feeling a little stronger, he even walked the hall and climbed the stairs a few times. My mom made us a yummy valentines dinner and Clint even ate quite a bit. It was a really nice day.
And then came Monday night...

Thank You

2011-02-22T21:55:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was such an incredible day. Very emotional, very tiring, but so incredible. It was so amazing to see all the people who loved Clint. He made such an impact on so many people, and how lucky am I that out of all those people he chose me to spend forever with.
The funeral was beautiful. The talks were perfect. The musical numbers were amazing. I could not have asked for anything better. Thank you so much to all who came to show your love and support, and a special thanks to all those who talked, played, and sang. It means more to me than you will ever know.

So now I'm just trying to figure out how to go on with life. I really can't believe that this is my life now. It still seems so surreal. I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty terrified. How do you just go on with life? How is anything really ever okay again? How do I teach my boys how amazing their dad is? How am I supposed to support them, not only financially but emotionally, spiritually, physically? There are just so many questions and right now I feel like I don't have any answers. And it's very scary.
Now don't get me wrong, I really think I'm doing okay. I have so much support, I have the two best families a girl could ask for along with the greatest friends around. I just need to remember to take it One Day At A Time. Hasn't that been our motto forever now. It is just too scary right now to look farther than tomorrow. So for now I will just go to bed and in the morning I'll wake up and get the boys off to school, it's probably time for them to get back to their normal routine.
Plus Clint's stuck with me forever:) It just seems like forever is really far away right now. But we will get there...One Day At A Time!

Memories

2011-02-18T16:24:00.002-07:00

Clint's sister, Camie is putting together a book of memories from Clint's life to give to Nik, Nate, and Noah to help them remember their dad. So, we are asking all of you out there who knew Clint to please send us your memories! E-mail your thoughts and memories to c.brinkerhoff@yahoo.com

Thank you!

2011-02-18T00:54:00.003-07:00

As many of you have probably heard by now Clint passed away Wednesday night. I am so grateful for all the prayers, messages, emails, posts, etc. that I have received, you have no idea how much they mean to me.
I was so blessed to have this man in my life. They do not get any better than him. As hard as Wednesday was it was so nice to be able to see peace on his face again.

Clint A. Jepperson

Clint A. Jepperson (36) passed away Wednesday February 16, 2011 surrounded by his family, after a valiant and courageous battle with acute myeloid leukemia.
Clint was born October 30, 1974 in American Fork to Dennis and Kathryn Jepperson. He graduated from American Fork High School. Clint is a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and served as a missionary in the Michigan Detroit Mission. He has such an amazing testimony and was a great example to all who knew him.
Clint married Amy Dorton and they were sealed in the Mt. Timpanogos LDS Temple for time and all eternity. They have three boys, Nik, Nate & Noah, who are all ‘Daddy’s Little Boys’. He is the best husband and father anyone could ask for. Clint loved to be outdoors. He loved snowmobiling, jeeping, golfing, camping, and anything else he could do with his family outdoors. He even had a job that allowed him to be outside as an owner of a landscape company.
Clint is survived by his wife Amy; sons Nikolas (7), Nathan (7), and Noah (5); parents Dennis and Kathryn Jepperson; sisters and brothers Gwenna (Michael) Terry, Darren (Denise) Jepperson, Kent (Kim) Jepperson, Greg (Jill) Jepperson, Camarie (Jeffrey) Brinkerhoff; and many other close family and friends.
Funeral services will be held on Monday February 21, 2011 at 11:00 am in the 9th ward LDS church building 481 E 300 N Lehi, UT. There will be a viewing on Sunday February 20, 2011 from 6-8 pm at Wing Mortuary 118 E Main Lehi, UT and also a viewing at the church one hour prior to services.
A special thanks to all of the Dr’s, PA’s, nurses, CNA’s and everyone else up on East 8 at LDS Hospital. Especially the best transplant coordinator ever, LaDee. Thanks for making this journey a little easier. Also thanks to all of you who have helped us through the last 10 months, the thoughts and prayers were truly felt.
We’ll see ya soon sweetie! Love you!

2011-02-12T07:50:00.002-07:00

We might be going home today! We have to get platelets before we leave, and maybe phosphorous and magnesium
So who knows when we'll get out of here. But we might be going home today!
I'm not gonna lie it scares the crap out of me (really out of both of us I think) to go home. Clint is still very weak. It is very frustrating for him because he feels good sitting in bed but when he gets up he can't do things he thinks he should be able to do. Everyone tells him he's doing really great but he is just really frustrated. My biggest fear is that this whole scary thing will happen again. I just don't know if Clint can go through it again (well he probably can but will he want to or should he have to). He is my hero! And I just pray that he made it through this latest trial so that we could have more quality time with each other and our boys.
Thanks again for all the prayers. We could not make it through the day without all of your support. Love you all and see ya at home! (hopefully:)

2011-02-09T23:07:00.003-07:00

This is going to be a quick, short post. It is late and I really should be sleeping while Clint is sleeping.
So far we are still doing pretty good, way better than any of the docs thought we'd be doing. They are actually trying to kick us out tomorrow, but I don't really think that will happen. To go home Clint has to be able to do stairs (to get in and out of our house since we will still need to go to AF for transfusions) and he is still very weak. Yesterday was the first day he was even able to get out of bed (at least farther than the bedside commode)and an entire week in bed plus everything else his body went through has taken its toll on his poor body. Today we were able to go for a couple short walks but he tires very quickly and still gets a little lightheaded at times.
His blood pressures have been holding steady and he actually got turned down to 20% oxygen today, so we are making progress everyday. He is still very, very swollen even though he had 2 doses of lasiks yesterday and 1 today. Hopefully it is clearing some of the fluids out of his lungs since it is definitely not coming off his poor feet. He had a chest xray today which showed improvement over the one we had a couple days ago which is great news.
So overall we are doing as good as can be expected. He is very tired but is still as amazing as ever.
Once again we have been the recipients of a miracle. I really don't think anyone here at the hospital expected Clint to survive last Tuesday. We are so very blessed! Thank you to all of you out there who are keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. We love you!
Goodnight.

Oh and by the way according to Clint Today Is Superbalous! :)

One Day At A Time

2011-02-03T21:22:00.002-07:00

That is our motto. Clint had me write it on the board in our room today. It says "One day at a time. Today is _______." Today we filled in the blank with good. He definitely made some progress, he went from 100% on his oxygen this morning down to 40% this afternoon so that was really good. His blood pressures are still a little low, but at least they seem to be holding steady. His body has started hanging onto some fluid so his ankles are huge (he said he likes it because it makes him look like he has some meat on his bones, he's a nut:) so they started him on some lasiks which helps flush his system (aka makes you pee more). It's not working great but at least he doesn't seem to be getting bigger. He is still on a ton of antibiotics and other things since they still don't know the cause of what happened because nothing has grown out in any of his cultures.
Right now I think he's a little frustrated because he just doesn't know what to tell anyone. The doctor told us today that we can stay here and see if he can improve enough to go home without hospice or we can just go home now on hospice and try to be comfortable for as long as we can. Sometimes it's a little hard because it seems like no one here has any hope we'll make it very much longer. Now don't get me wrong we both know that things do not look good and in reality we will probably not beat this leukemia (although I am still holding out hope for a miracle) but we also know that Clint has defied every odd so far. He has kept fighting and because of that we have had 6 months of wonderful time that our doctors didn't think we'd have. So as of now we have decided to stick it out in the hospital because for now we are seeing improvements and are hopeful to be able to go home and get a little more quality time together with our little family.
Clint is so exhausted and his whole body is very sore. But he still has such an amazing attitude. I wonder every day how I got so lucky to have him choose me. I love him so much and am blessed daily by being with him.
We truly appreciate all the thoughts and prayers. We are surrounded by amazing people who are such a strength to us. Please keep Clint in your prayers, and please hold your loved ones close to you. Love you all!

2011-02-02T17:07:00.002-07:00

Yesterday was probably one of the scariest days of my life.
It started out just like any other day. I got up and got Nik & Nate to school and then I came home and hopped in the shower because we had a clinic appointment at 10:15. After I got out I went to wake up Clint so he could get ready for clinic, but when I touched his head I knew he was way too hot. We took his temperature and sure enough he had a temp of 104.6. Bad news. I was hoping once he got up and moved around and ate it'd start heading down. When he sat up in bed he said he felt a little lightheaded but didn't seem too concerned. He got up ate breakfast and stuff and we were just about ready to leave when he decided he should go to the bathroom first. He'd been in there for a bit when he called for me to bring him something. When I went in he was just standing up and he started swaying a little bit so I ran to him and he just sank into my arms. I yelled for my mom who luckily was close by at the computer and she quickly called 911. When I looked at Clint it was like he was looking through me so I asked him if he could see me and he said no, which really scared me! I got him back sitting on the toilet and thats when the paramedics arrived. They tried to walk him out to the family room but he quickly passed out again. The paramedics then carried him out to the family room (which he does not remember at all) and proceeded to take his blood pressure, etc. His pressure was really low,70/30, and he was very pale and confused. The Lehi paramedics were great and were willing to drive us up here to LDS in the ambulance so we could get him to our doctors.
When we arrived at LDS (after throwing up his breakfast in the ambulance) Clint was in SO much pain. His back and left shoulder were killing him. His blood pressure had dropped even lower to 64/24. And he couldn't quite clear his head enough to understand what was going on. Dr. Ashe and Shar came in and told us things did not look good and when people died of leukemia this is usually how they died. They started talking about dnr's(do not resuscitate) and what he wanted them to do and not do. It was all happening so fast. Luckily my dad was able to leave work and meet us at the ER when we arrived which helped me hold it together. They loaded Clint up with a ton of antibiotics. And a ton of fluid (I think they pumped 5 liters of saline in him the first couple hours we were here). Clint decided that he did not want CPR or an intubation done if it came to that. So we decided to just stay on east 8 and hope the antibiotics did something. The doctors told us we should get our kids up here asap along with the rest of our family.
At this point his blood pressure was still dangerously low and he was also on oxygen. Within a few hours his temperature had returned to normal but his blood oxygen (SAT) level had gone way down. They ended up having to put him on 100% oxygen. They are technically not supposed to have him on more than 60% oxygen on this floor. But since he did not want to go to the ICU they let him stay here on 100%.
It was very scary for most of the day. They put him on a pain pump which helped with his back pain but obviously didn't help to clear his head.
They did a CBC and his hematocrit was down to 19 which was way down from 27 the day before. This had never happened before. So they filled him up with red cells and platelets which really helped perk him up a little. By the second bag of red cells he was more lucid and making a lot more sense. His blood pressure was still very low but we got to about 70/50 and his saturation level was holding on between 88-91 (they want it above 90). Things looked a little more stable so we sent all our family home, praying for an uneventful night.
The night went alright. His pressures were still pretty low but holding steady. At one point he was having a hard time keeping his SAT level above 80 which was bad. They called the respiratory therapist and he said we were on as much as we could be on unless we wanted to go to the ICU. Clint didn't want to go so the respiratory therapist came in and talked him through his breathing which made a big difference. He was able to stay around 90 the rest of the night.
This morning his blood pressures finally came up a bit. He is now hanging out around 90/60 which we will definitely take over 64/24 any day! He is still on 100% oxygen but his SAT level has been around 97% for most of the afternoon so we're hopeful they'll be able to turn him down soon.
Clint has managed again to amaze his doctors by still being alive. He is the most amazing man I have ever known and I am so incredibly blessed to be able to be his for eternity!!! Thank you so much for all the prayers. They are felt more than you know and are an incredible strength to us. We are so blessed and once again are just thankful for each day our Heavenly Father blesses us with. Please keep the prayers coming for Clint. We love you all!

2011-01-23T21:18:00.004-07:00

So I know I have really sucked at blogging lately! I have so much to post about that I don't even know where to start anymore.
For the past week we have been in California soaking up the sun (it was heaven). We just got back tonight and we are all exhausted so the details will have to wait.
But Clint is doing pretty good. After stopping the hydrea it didn't take long for the leukemia to come back again, so we started back on the hydrea which seems to be taking it down again so that is good news. He felt pretty good on our vacation (except for the end of the first couple days when he overdid it).
We are still just enjoying every single day together and hope we have a thousand, million, billion more! Thanks for all the love & support!

Here are a few of my favorite pics from the vacay...

good thing he is so skinny:)

love all my boys

gotta love mickey

Clint especially loved the beach,
he was just bummed that he couldn't get in the water.

Love this man!

Goodnight everyone.

2011-01-06T17:43:00.003-07:00

Just a quick update to let you know we are still here.
Clint has been feeling pretty good this last week. He was on hydrea (an oral chemo) but it quickly took his counts down to pretty much 0 so they had him stop. So right now we are just enjoying every day and trying to keep him healthy while he has absolutely no immune system. (which is scary since we just sent the boys back to school)
We had an amazing holiday season and I will try to post about that soon. But I just wanted to let you all know that Clint is still fighting like crazy!
Love you all! Thanks for everything!!!

In Need of a Christmas Miracle

2010-12-23T23:17:00.002-07:00

Clint's leukemia is back. Not that it actually ever went away. But it is really back. It has found a way around the Nexavar.
We have known for a few days that his counts were heading up and that he had peripheral blasts, but they had been fairly low. But today his blast count shot up to 60%. We had a clinic visit today where they pretty much went over our options 1)do nothing 2)do some low dose chemo at home and just see how long it lasts or 3)be admitted to the hospital for another round of high dose chemo. Dr. Hoda said he doesn't recommend option 3 at all, he just doesn't think there are any benefits to it. So right now we are going with option 2. He said at some point the leukemia will find its way around everything. So that's where the needed miracle comes in.
A miracle is the only option for a cure that we can see right now. I believe with all my heart that it is possible. We have already been the recipient of more than one. But I also know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for each one of us, and only He knows what that plan is. I pray everyday that His plan and my plan are the same thing. I just pray that Clint, myself and our boys will have the strength to deal with whatever this life has in store for us.
It has been a very emotional day for us today. But as hard as it has been we have been blessed so much more. I can not believe how much we have received this holiday season. It is really an amazing thing to see how much goodness there is out there. I hope that everyone out there has an amazing Christmas! If you can please keep us in your prayers, and pray for that much needed Christmas Miracle! Thank you all, Love you!

2010-12-17T20:47:00.002-07:00

We're still here and doing pretty good. I have so much to post about but I am too tired to do it tonight. But I promise I'll try and do it soon!
Thank you so much to everyone out there who are doing so much for us. We are loving the 12 days of Christmas. And Santa delivered some presents for the boys early the other night. Plus the amazing anonymous donations we have received. And so much more. We are so blessed. I don't even have words to describe the love we have felt. I wish I knew who was doing all these wonderful things for us so I could thank you in person, but just know it means the world to us. I pray that one day we will be able to pay it forward.
I love the Christmas season!

2010-12-10T21:27:00.003-07:00

Sorry I never posted about our results of the biopsy. It wasn't good but wasn't horrible, it came back with 15% blasts in his marrow. They feel like at least the drug seems to be keeping it under control right now so we just have to pray it will continue to do that
Clint has been feeling pretty good still. We are actually out of town this weekend. (kinda scary but exciting) More on that to come later.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers, keep them coming please. Love you all!

waiting

2010-12-04T09:36:00.002-07:00

Still haven't heard anything about Clint's biopsy results...Could make for a long weekend. But hopefully it'll be a good, long weekend:)
Other than that things are pretty much the same. Clint did have a bout of nauseousness yesterday which was no good (he really hates to puke, not that I blame him) but seems to be feeling better today so hopefully it was just a fluke.
Well we're off to try to find something (anything) to do today. Feel free to send over some ideas :)
Please keep praying for good biopsy results. Thanks Everyone!
Have a happy weekend!

2010-12-02T08:17:00.002-07:00

We made it! We went to clinic yesterday. It was the first time we'd had to go to LDS Hospital since Nov 18! Yep that is almost 2 weeks! We are also coming up on our longest stay at home since Clint was diagnosed. We had 29 days of being home after transplant before he relapsed and had to be readmitted, and we are at 26 days at home right now:)
Clinic was good yesterday, but VERY long. Our appointment was at 11:15 and we ended up being there until after 4:00. They gave him a 2 hour IV infusion of something to help keep his bones strong, and then we got some platelets, and then they decided to do a bone marrow biopsy. Dr. Petersen is very curious to see what is going on in his marrow. His counts are still pretty good. They have actually started going down again, which has never happened before. The docs seem very encouraged that the Nexavar is definitely doing something, they just don't know exactly what, thus the bone marrow biopsy.
We aren't sure if we want to know what is going on in there or not. As Clint said yesterday sometimes ignorance is bliss:) But I am expecting good news this time. Clint has been feeling really good, and we really believe that this drug is working some miracles in there. So please keep Clint in your thoughts and prayers that we can get some good news from this biopsy.

On another note I really meant to do a thanksgiving post and I just wanted to name a few things I'm most grateful for...
Family-we have the best!
Friends-we have the best!
Doctors, Nurses, PA's (everyone at the hospitals)-we have the best of those too!
Miracles
All the countless blessings we have received (from those we know and those we don't, we have had so many amazing things happen, you know who you are even if we don't, thank you!)
All the prayers and fasting that have been said and done in our behalf
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
My relationship with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ
and most of all
I'm SO thankful that my husband is still here. There were definitely times that we did not think he'd be here for the holidays. And I pray that we will have many, many more holidays together with our boys!
We truly are so blessed and I just want everyone to know how much it means to us. It is truly humbling to be the recipient of so many acts of service. It is amazing! Love you all!

**I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving! We sure did! And if anyone has any great ideas on what to buy two 7 year olds and a 4 (almost 5) year old for Christmas feel free to share :)

2010-11-18T20:13:00.003-07:00

Sorry it has been so long since my last post. Things have been going really good. Clint has been feeling great and his counts are looking pretty good. We have been going to the AF Hospital for blood draws everyday, and have been getting platelets at least every other day. But at clinic today they lowered his platelet parameter to 30,000 and he was at 57,000 today so we don't even have to get a blood draw tomorrow! It is going to be a hospital free day!!! The docs seem happy with his counts and just told him to keep on doing what he's doing. We actually don't even have to go back to LDS Hospital until Dec. 1, that seems like an eternity (we are crossing every finger and toe that we won't be back before then:).
I just had to share this picture. This is Clint's stomach after giving himself an insulin shot:( He obviously had very low platelets this day.
And a few more pictures of what we've been up to...
Here is Noah getting his hard cast on
And this is what the end result looks like...yes, it's VERY colorful! We could not talk him out of getting this one.
Luckily he only has to have this full cast on for 3 weeks. We go back on the 30th to get a short cast on and we are really trying to convince him to try out a new color on the next one:)

Clint and I went golfing at Thanksgiving Point yesterday. It was so beautiful and so much fun (and a little cold). Clint played really well and I actually had a few good holes myself.
Here is our self portrait...Love this guy!

Well I am exhausted tonight so I'm going to go to bed. But as this Thanksgiving week is approaching I have so much to be thankful for. We are so blessed and we are so grateful for all of you that bless our lives everyday! We will never be able to thank everyone enough or repay all the kindness, but please know that we love you all! Good Night!

2010-11-08T10:14:00.002-07:00

We were able to come home on Saturday! I know crazy huh?!? From the ICU to home in just a few short days. When Dr. Asch came in to talk to Clint before discharge on Saturday she told him she has decided that he is a cat because he has so many lives:)
It is so nice to be home and just be able to spend time with the boys. We sure do miss them when we are at the hospital!
Clint is feeling pretty good right now. He does have to get some platelets today, but we are able to just go over to American Fork Hospital to get them. His wbc was down to 600 today with only 16% blasts which is definitely better than the 80%+ blasts that he has been having. His blood sugar has been really high so he has to give himself insulin shots quite a bit (which looks awful to me but he says it doesn't hurt much).
So now we are back to just enjoying every day since who knows what tomorrow will bring. We are asking for prayers that this new medicine will help to put him into a remission (which will be a first) and that he can continue to feel good.
We are so blessed and I really want to thank our Heavenly Father for all the amazing blessings in our lives. I am amazed every day at the blessings we continue to receive. Thanks to all of you that add joy and hope to our lives everyday! We love you!

Out of the ICU...And a Broken Arm

2010-11-04T21:36:00.003-06:00

We are out of the ICU! We were able to move back up to East 8 yesterday, which was great news. His breathing is doing much better. They are fairly certain he had a pulmonary hemorrhage (which is pretty much bleeding in the lungs). But by pumping him full of platelets (they moved his transfusion parameter from 15 to 75) and giving him some breathing treatments they were able to get it under control fairly quickly. He was able to start using the nasal cannula today instead of the full oxygen mask, which he was very happy about. The pulmonary docs are very happy with the way his lungs are sounding and the way his chest xrays are improving. So all that is really great news!
Now all we have to do is get rid of the leukemia...
His counts are continuing to climb, his wbc was 44,700 with 80% blasts today, which is definitely not great. We were able to start the sorafenib last night, and we are hoping that between the sorafenib and the hydroxyurea his counts will start dropping really soon. If not we will probably have to do another round of high dose chemo to try to get them under control, which at this point we are trying to avoid if possible.
All in all he is feeling pretty good. We have been able to get out for a couple of walks which is always nice. We are just trying to stay hopeful and positive (which is definitely not easy sometimes). But we know that God has a plan for us. And we know that He is a God of miracles. So we are praying that His plan includes another miracle for us! We are so grateful for all that we do have. For the amazing family and friends that we are blessed with. And for all those we don't even know who have prayed for us. We love you all and are truly blessed!

In other news...Noah broke his arm yesterday! I know, not a huge shocker for anyone who knows him :) He was climbing on the swing set at Clint's parents house and fell off. Surprisingly this is the first broken bone for our family. He just has a splint on it right now and goes back on Tuesday to get another x-ray and a cast put on. I will just be surprised if he doesn't break it again before they get a cast on it! My mom already said that he was trying to tackle Nate tonight (I told her maybe she should pull back on the tylenol, maybe he needs a little pain to remind him he has a broken arm).

Here is the x-ray. He broke both bones.

And here is our tough little man with his cool new sling! Love this kid!

ICU

2010-11-02T07:38:00.002-06:00

Clint is in the ICU. His blood oxygen level was continuing to drop and they were worried that he might have some bleeding in his lungs, so they moved him down here about 1:30 am. They are giving him breathing treatments that are supposed to stop any bleeding in the lungs and some extra platelets. He is also on more oxygen then they allow upstairs.
Hopefully we can get him on the mend and out of the ICU within a couple of days. Thank you for all the thoughts, prayers, and support. Please keep them coming.

Rough Couple of Days

2010-11-01T20:00:00.003-06:00

Well I guess I should start where I left off on the last post.
First the good news...We had our phone conference with the insurance on Thursday and it seemed to go well. I think Dr. Hoda made a good argument for us and Clint was also able to express that he wanted to be able to continue to fight his leukemia. The committee didn't ask many questions which we took as either a good sign (we made a good argument) or a bad sign (they already had their minds made up to deny us). They told us they'd have an answer by Monday but we haven't heard anything yet. But... on Friday afternoon we got a call from the drug company itself saying we had been approved for the drug through their REACH program (a financial assistance program). So we will be getting the sorafenib on Wednesday, which is great news!
Now the bad news...So we had a clinic visit on Thursday and Clint's leukemia is back. And like before it was coming back with a vengeance! On Tuesday when we had a blood draw at American Fork Hospital his WBC was 700 with no blasts and on Thursday his WBC was 10,300 with 37% blasts. They wanted to have us check in and start another round of chemo the next day but I told them it was Clint's birthday on Saturday so we would not be checking in until after that. They agreed so that was the plan, go home on an oral chemo called Hydroxyurea(sp?) and get blood draws daily at American Fork, enjoy Friday, party on Saturday, and check in to the hospital Saturday for a round of chemo. So that is what we did. Friday we woke up and went over to AF for a blood draw, his WBC had jumped to 20,600 with 77% blasts which made us nervous that we weren't going to make it to Sunday to check back in. Then we took Noah and went to Fox Hollow and golfed 9 holes (thank Kevin), it was really great weather! We took the boys up the canyon after school for a jeep ride (thanks for coming Trev & Mel, Camie & Jeff, and Mom & Dad J). We roasted hot dogs and had smores. And the boys thought it was super awesome that we had to pull Grandpa Jeppersons Razor all the way back to the trailer :)! It was a lot of fun! Saturday was the BIG BIRTHDAY! We had to run over to AF for another blood draw and were pleasantly surprised that his WBC had gone down to 7,100 with 65% blasts (yeah the oral chemo was helping) We had a birthday breakfast for Clint (orange rolls, bacon, eggs, & hashbrowns) and then we just relaxed for a while until the big party. That afternoon we had both of our families come over to our church for a couple of hours and just hung out. It was really good to see everyone and we had a really great time. Thank you so much for everyone for helping us put it together last minute. That evening we got ready for Halloween and went over to the ward trunk or treat (that thankfully was under the pavilion). It was pouring rain and pretty cold so after that we just went home and hung out with the boys and watched some halloween TV:)
Up until this point Clint had been feeling really good. Then that all changed. Saturday night about 11:30 he started getting some really weird pains in his hips and legs. It got bad enough that we called the hospital around midnight. They told him they thought that it was restless leg syndrome. They gave him info on how much meds he could take and that it should go away at some point. Well he ended up having one of the worst nights ever. He was up ALL night. He said it wasn't really that painful (although from the looks of it I would argue otherwise) but that it was just REALLY uncomfortable. Well by the morning he could barely walk. So we gathered our stuff and headed to LDS (I guess it was good we were checking in that morning anyways).
So he was in quite a bit of pain by the time we got to the hospital, so they gave him quite a bit of pain meds but they couldn't get it under control so they finally ended up putting him on a pain pump. They told us that it definitely was not restless leg syndrome but they didn't know what it was. They were worried that the leukemia might have formed a tumor and was pressing on his spine so they did an MRI. But thankfully that came back fine. He was pretty much just drugged up all day Sunday, I don't think he remembers much of it. I can't even count how many times he woke up and asked me what day it was and what they were doing to him! But don't worry Mark & Pam he does remember you guys being here :)(and thanks so much for lunch it was yummy, love you guys!) They decided to hold off on starting the chemo until we could figure out what was going on and he could make a coherent decision. His blood oxygen level was starting to get low so they put him on some oxygen to help it stay up.
This morning the doctors started to get really worried about him. They are pretty sure he has a really bad infection, but they don't know for sure. They were worried that he was developing sepsis. They started him on a bunch of antibiotics to hopefully get on top of everything. His blood oxygen level has gotten progressively worse throughout the day and right now we are just trying to keep him out of the ICU. We are on the most oxygen we can be on here on East8 so if he can't keep his oxygen level up they will be taking him to the ICU.
I'm not going to lie. I am really scared right now. The doctors came in this morning talking about "DNR's" and "are we really sure we even want to go the ICU if it comes to that". It is all just so overwhelming. We had my mom bring our boys up and Clints parents came up because we didn't really know what was going to happen. Gratefully so far he is holding his own and I am just praying that he is able to hold his oxygen level steady and that the antibiotics will do their work and he can start improving.
We really need prayers tonight. Please say a few extra ones for Clint. I will try to keep you all updated as much as possible. Thanks for all the love and support.

2010-10-27T20:00:00.002-06:00

Sorry I've been such a slacker about blogging lately. Things have been pretty good. Clint has still been feeling good, which is great! We even took the jeep up the canyon Monday which was tons of fun (minus the part where Nik was puking:()!
So we have a big day tomorrow. We have a clinic visit at 11:15 and then we have the conference call with the 'grievance committee' about the sorafenib denial. So we really could use some extra prayers. Especially that the insurance committees hearts will be softened and we can get approval for the sorafenib
Thanks so much! And I promise to update again really soon to let you all know how tomorrow goes.
We love you all and we are so grateful for all of the love and support we have everyday!

Home

2010-10-21T20:36:00.002-06:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've updated on Clint.
Things have been a little crazy the last week.
We ended up getting to come home from the hospital on Friday which was great! Our boys had been hanging out with the K's (thanks so much you guys, they had soooo much fun, like always) so they were pretty exhausted when they got home that night. It worked out perfectly because I had just bought How To Train Your Dragon so we ended up having a great movie night! Then on Saturday we just hung out at home all day. It was so amazing just to have a 'normal' Saturday. We cleaned the car (and by we I mean my brother Chris:), we painted pumpkins, and we just enjoyed being home. I think Clint overdid it that day because he ended up having a fever most of the night :( We called the hospital Sunday morning and luckily they let us just go to AF Hospital to get blood cultures and stuff done. They started him on some more antibiotics, just to be safe, and luckily he has not had a fever since. We just took it easy on Sunday, Clint slept most of the day. Then on Monday we had another 'normal' day. School (wore Clint out by making him walk with me to pick Noah up from school and then walk with me to pick Nik & Nate up from school), homework (yelling & fighting because of homework:), playing, bath, bed.
On Tuesday we went back to clinic to have our first of three more days of chemo. We were there from about 8:15-2. Then on Wednesday back for more chemo, from about 9-3:30. Also had to get platelets on Wednesday, they were down to 12. And finally today, last day of chemo! We were at clinic today from about 9:45-3:30. The doctors don't have a lot of information to tell us. His counts are going down, so that is good. But today he still had 34% blasts in his blood, which makes me a little nervous since we don't have anymore chemo. We're just praying the chemo is strong enough to keep killing them off.
We have been trying to get our insurance company to approve the drug sorafenib. We have been denied twice now and started the 2nd appeal process today. It is the flt3 inhibitor that I mentioned a few posts ago, but it is only FDA approved for liver or kidney cancer or something, so our insurance company won't approve it for us. We sent over articles and a letter from Dr. Hoda but they still denied it. So now we have to go before a grievance committee and I'm praying this will do the trick. The hope with this drug is that it will keep the leukemia at bay long enough for us to get off the steroids and let some graft vs. leukemia kill off the remaining leukemia cells before it gets out of control again. I really think this drug is our best option right now, the problem is that it costs $10,000 a month. So if our insurance won't cover it then obviously it is not an option. It doesn't sound like the doctors really have another plan, as of yet, if we can't get this drug, and that makes me a little nervous.
I know I ask for too much, but if we could maybe get some extra prayers, fasting, whatever you can do, so that our meeting with the appeals committee will go well and they will approve Clint for this drug ASAP that would be amazing. Thank you so much! We really are the luckiest, to be surrounded by soooo many amazing people!
In good news, Clint has been feeling really good the last couple of days. So we're just keeping our fingers (and toes) crossed that it lasts. And that we can enjoy every minute!
Love Ya!

Be The Match

2010-10-17T10:54:00.003-06:00

I know I've been promising I would do this forever, but better late than never right?!?
Here is the information to register for the bone marrow donor registry. If you register on this link it won't cost you anything. You can make a donation to the Be The Match registry if you feel that you are able. Click Here or go to http://join.bethematch.org/CedarHills. If it asks for a code it should just be CedarHills. Let me know if you have any problems.
There are so many people out there still searching for a donor. Please, if you can, register to be a donor. You really could save a life!
Thanks to all who have joined and will join the donor registry.

Attention All Runners.....

2010-10-14T22:11:00.009-06:00

or joggers, or walkers.....

**CLICK ON PICTURE TO REGISTER**

Thanks Ence & Gray!

Food

2010-10-13T21:34:00.002-06:00

So I guess I should start where I left off on the last post...
They hung Clint's first dose of Cyclophosphamide Monday night around 11:30 pm, so needless to say Monday was a very long night with a lot of interruptions. Clint got very little sleep since he had to get up about every hour to pee thanks to all the fluids they pumped into him. So yesterday he was pretty tired. I don't think it helped that his white blood count jumped to 54,000 with 56% blasts, I am sure that didn't help with his energy level :( They started the Clofarabine yesterday around 6 and did the Cyclophosphamide around 8:30 so he was done a lot earlier than the previous night so that was good. I think he was actually able to get some sleep last night so he woke up this morning feeling pretty good, yeah!
So far he is tolerating the chemo really well. And his counts only went up a tiny bit today (55000 wbc with 60% blasts) so the doctors are very hopeful that the chemo is working. Hopefully his counts will start coming down in the next day or so. We were able to go for a walk outside today which is always nice, although it does get a little sketchy pushing his IV pole around some of these old, cracked sidewalks :) But I think it was really good for him to get some fresh air and some exercise (he didn't get out of bed much yesterday).
And now to the exciting stuff.....He is actually eating solid foods again! WooHoo! He got moved up to the GVH1 diet yesterday, which pretty much consists of a few cereals (cream of wheat or rice, rice krispies, cheerios) some starches (white bread, plain bagel, mashed potatoes, saltines, etc.) and some fruits (applesauce, banana, or canned peaches or pears). He could only get one new thing to try, then he had to wait 3-4 hours to make sure it settled well, and then he could try one other new food plus the food he'd already tried. So yesterday he had cheerios (with soy milk because he can't have milk products, which surprisingly he liked:) for lunch and then for dinner he had cheerios and a banana. So today he got moved to the GHV2 diet, which included all the GVH1 stuff plus some proteins like chicken, salmon, turkey, eggs and a few different crackers and veggies. He had a hard boiled egg with a bagel and some pretzels for lunch and a chicken breast and applesauce for dinner. So far his stomach is holding up really well so tomorrow he should be able to advance to the low microbial diet, which is pretty much his normal diet. He is pretty excited because for some reason all he has wanted since he hasn't been able to eat is some chocolate donettes (from the vending machine) and Dr. Hoda told him that tomorrow he can have those donuts. So he has something to look forward to in the morning :)
Hopefully we will be able to go home on Saturday! At least for a couple days before the next chemo is due. As long as he continues to tolerate the chemo well and is able to start eating enough calories to get off the TPN then we should definitely be able to leave Saturday. Can't wait to spend a couple days at home with the boys, we sure miss them!
Thanks again for all the prayers & thoughts, we both feel them and need them!
Love you all! Goodnight!

Chemo Time Again

2010-10-11T20:16:00.003-06:00

Well we had a good run there for a while of keeping Clint's counts under control. But that came to an end this morning. His white blood count jumped from 7700 to 22,000 and his blasts went from 11% to 47% overnight :( So that means it is time to start chemo again. They are hydrating him really good right now and then will hang the chemo around 11:00 tonight. This round is a mix of 2 different chemos, Cyclophosphamide and Clofarabine. They will start with only Cyclophosphamide tonight and then do both for the next 3 days. Then he will have 4 days off and then 3 more days of both. The doctors told us that this is about the last chemo there is to try, so we are praying with everything we have that this one does the trick.
Clint has actually been feeling pretty good the last couple of days. The boys came up yesterday (thanks mom) and we talked the nurses into unhooking him for about an hour so we could go outside and play with them. We walked down to memory grove and the boys were able to run and kick their soccer balls around. It was really fun, a lot better than being stuck in this hospital room!
Noah (and in case you were wondering...yes he did fall in:)

Nik

Nate

Clint & the boys

And the whole fam!

Clint has been on a clear liquid diet today, so he actually got to have some jello and some chicken broth! Yipee! He is not overly excited about it, he just wants some real food! Hopefully tomorrow they'll let him start with some toast or something, I guess we'll see.
Thank you all for the prayers and thoughts, please keep them coming. We need prayers that Clint's body will be able to tolerate this chemo. And that he will have the strength to fight through another round. And that this chemo will be the one to kill ALL of these leukemia cells!
Love you all!

**I also want to say congrats to Camie & Jeff on blessing their little Lilly. Sorry we weren't able to be there. We love you guys! And also thanks to all the Jepperson men (with a couple Terry's and a Brinkerhoff:) for coming up last night to give Clint a blessing. We are so grateful for the power of the priesthood and for all the righteous men in our lives who hold and honor it!

Quick Update

2010-10-08T23:16:00.003-06:00

Well we ended up not starting the chemo yesterday. Clint's blast count has been hanging out at 2-3% the last few days which was not what anyone expected. When we saw the blasts in his blood when we came in on Sunday we all (docs included) expected them to shoot through the roof really fast because that is what they have always done in the past. Every day we have thought that they would be way up but so far they are just holding steady, which makes us wonder what is keeping them from getting out of control. We have decided to wait on the chemo for a bit and see what his counts do over the next few days. Hopefully we do have some GVL going on in there and it will continue to keep the leukemia at bay.
Clint's GVH seems to be getting a little better everyday. They still won't let him drink or eat anything until it completely stops, but we're hoping that at least by Sunday they will let him at least start having water and ice chips. But we'll see how things go. The rash is also seeming to be a little better. It seems to be breaking up a little and Clint says it's a little less itchy today. Yeah!
So for now we just continue taking it a day at a time. And keep praying for the best!

Better Get Comfortable...

2010-10-06T22:30:00.002-06:00

Because it looks like we are gonna be here a while.
The Docs decided that if we still want to be aggressive against this leukemia then our best option would be to start another round of chemo, and they want to start it tomorrow. It will be two different chemos, on is called cytoxin and the other is called clofarabine. We start with a round of cytoxin and then three days of both chemos, then we have four days off and then three more days of both. We are hopeful that Clint will be able to handle these chemos as well as he has the other ones. And although the Docs make it clear that there is only a VERY small chance of it getting rid of the leukemia completely, there is a still a chance.
Clint is pretty miserable. They have him on 'gut rest' (yes supposedly that is an actual medical term). Which means he can't eat or drink anything. He has not eaten since Sunday morning and has had only a few sips of water to take pills. They finally started him on TPN(IV nutrition) yesterday so at least they are not completely starving him to death, but he just wants a drink so bad :( They say as soon as the diarrhea stops completely they will let him start on clear liquids and should be able to work back up to solids quickly. I just hope that with starting this chemo he will still feel like eating when they decide to let him try. His rash is also still driving him crazy. He has been really itchy today and nothing they give him seems to help at all.
It is really hard just sitting here knowing he is miserable. I wish more than anything that there was something I could do to even just make it a tiny bit better. I just hope he knows that if I could, I would take all this misery onto myself in a heartbeat. I love him more than anything!
They finally gave him some lasiks this morning to help him get rid of some of the fluid he's been holding onto. This morning his eyes were so swollen you could barely recognize him. And his ankles and feet are so huge!
I just have to keep praying that all this yucky stuff he is going through will be worth it. That Heavenly Father will grant us a lot more time together.
As hard as it is to remember sometimes, we are so very blessed. We have so many amazing people around us. Our boys are being taken care of and loved. We have so much to be thankful for and I just need to keep reminding myself that God is in charge, He has a plan for us, and we have to have faith in His plan.
I again want to thank everyone for the thoughts and prayers. They truly make a huge difference! And we could not make it through this without all of you!
Goodnight All!

2010-10-04T21:32:00.002-06:00

Well we are back at the hospital :(
Saturday we got up early because the boys had an 8am soccer game. Clint wasn't feeling really great but was able to come to the game with us, which was fun because Nate scored a goal! Then we drove the boys up to my mom and dads cabin. We listened to conference up there and then left the boys there to play with cousins and drove home. Clint had been feeling pretty nauseous all day and he was starting to have more frequent diarrhea. He was also still battling with the rash and the fevers. But it was still tolerable.
Then came Sunday...He woke up feeling a little nauseous and wasn't able to eat much breakfast. He didn't feel good all day and just didn't look very good either, plus his diarrhea was really getting bad. Around 3:00 I made him take his temperature again and it had risen clear to 103.9 so I told him that I thought it was time to call the hospital. He did and of course they said come on up. We got to the hospital around 6 and they were at least able to give him something better to help with the nausea. They were also able to get him some fluids and stuff.
The Dr's decided because of the combo of the rash, fevers, diarrhea, and nausea it was time to treat the GVH before it did some serious damage to Clint. It is a fine line because the GVH can kill Clint as fast as the leukemia if they let it get out of control. They also did a colonoscopy and an endoscopy tonight just to make sure there wasn't an infection they were missing. They said both ends looked pretty good, his stomach is irritated inside and his colon looked like it had a moderate case of GVH. They took some biopsies and we should get those results soon. They started steroids today to treat the GVH and it seems like the diarrhea is already slowing down a lot. So hopefully Clint can start feeling better soon. (and hopefully they'll let him start drinking soon. they haven't let him eat or drink anything since we've been here, trying to rest his gut. but he's sooo thirsty)
They also decided to start the steroids because the GVH didn't seem to be causing any GVL(graft vs leukemia). He had blasts in his peripheral blood the last two days (2 on Sunday and 7 today). So it seems we are back to square one. Dr. Hoda came in today and went over our options of what comes next. There is another type of chemo we can try, although they don't think it has much of a chance of working other than to keep the blasts down for a while. There is a drug called sorafenib, it is a flt3 inhibitor (flt3 is the gene mutation Clint's leukemia has which makes it so hard to cure) so this would hopefully keep the leukemia away for a while, but in most cases the leukemia eventually finds a way around the inhibitor. Then there is always the option to do nothing, but right now that is not an option we are considering.
We are at the point again where none of the docs have much hope in anything being curative. But we know that Heavenly Father has a plan for us, and although we don't know exactly what that plan is, we just have to have faith and trust in Him. I also believe in miracles and see no reason why we can't receive one more. I am extremely grateful for all that I have been blessed with in my life and I am especially grateful for every day that I get to spend together with my amazing husband! And hopefully there will be many, many more days (preferably years:) together on this earth. But no matter what happens, we will have eternity! Love you sweetie!!!

News

2010-10-01T22:45:00.003-06:00

Well we got some news from the bone marrow biopsy today. Not very good news. The leukemia is still there :( He had 9% blasts in his marrow, which is up from 4% two weeks ago. So I guess at least the Vidaza seems to be helping it not come back as fast, but unfortunately it seems to still be coming back.
Right now we don't really know what the next step will be. We have a conference scheduled with one of our doctors on Monday morning where we will be given information on all of our options and the pros and cons of each.
I've decided we are just going to try and enjoy the weekend. Just sit back, relax, and watch conference. I am really excited for conference this year, which sadly I don't know if I could honestly say before. I can't wait to hear from our Prophet and the other leaders of our church. Hopefully we will be able to gain knowledge that will help us make the decisions that are ahead.

Clint had been feeling pretty good this week until today. He had golfed Tuesday and Wednesday (and golfed pretty good too). But then today he sort of crashed. His rash is still driving him crazy, he's still having the fevers, and then this morning he woke up feeling pretty nauseous. He ended up puking up all his breakfast and wasn't able to eat a lot of food today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Well I'd better get to sleep. I got less than 4 hours of sleep last night and the boys have a soccer game bright and early at 8am!! Fun, Fun! But if we could get some thoughts and prayers sent our way, that we will be able to make the best decisions this next week, it would be so much appreciated. Also, please keep Clint in your thoughts and prayers. It is so hard to see him so uncomfortable. I love that man more than I could ever express, like I've said before I'm definitely the luckiest girl in the world!
Goodnight All!

I just thought this post could use a picture. This is from our anniversary at wasatch mountain state park. Beautiful, isn't it! (and btw he was just practice swinging on this shot...didn't want you to think he missed the ball:)

patiently waiting...and praying

2010-09-29T22:27:00.002-06:00

So we had the bone marrow biopsy today. The test itself went well (or as well as they can go I guess). We probably won't get any results until Friday. So until then we just wait patiently and keep on praying like crazy for good news.
Thanks to all of you out there who offered a prayer or thought for Clint today. It's amazing what a difference it can make.
I'll try and post when we get the results. Prayer, Patience, Prayer, Patience, Prayer,.....
Love you all!

Need Prayers

2010-09-28T21:08:00.002-06:00

We have a big day tomorrow and could really use some extra prayers!

Let me start by saying that we had a really great time away for our anniversary. On Wednesday we went to Midway. We golfed at Wasatch Mountain State Park, which was beautiful. We even saw a moose on the 9th hole! We stayed at the Zermatt (thanks Bryce & Allison) and then in the morning we headed to Wolf Creek (thanks LaDee) where we stayed Thursday night. We mostly just lounged around while we were there, we went for a few walks, it's really beautiful there. We had a really great dinner that night. It would've been a perfect couple days if only Clint wasn't having pretty high fevers the whole time:(
We were supposed to go get a blood draw at American Fork on Friday. But since Clint had still been having fevers and had a rash that was getting progressively worse we decided to just go to LDS for the blood draw. All his labs looked okay and Dr. Asch thought the rash looked a lot like a GVH rash (graft versus host). She told us to keep an eye on it and they'd check it again at clinic. Well we had our clinic visit today and everyone we saw said it definitely looked like a GVH rash. Which is good because if he has GVH there is a good chance that he will get GVL(graft versus leukemia) which is definitely what we want. So they took a skin biopsy today to see if that'll give us any extra info on the rash. His platelets have also been trending down the last week, which can be from GVH or can be from leukemia. So they gave him some platelets (and some potassium because it was low) and decided that tomorrow they will do a bone marrow biopsy to find out for sure what is going on in there.
So that is where the prayers come in. This bone marrow biopsy will either bring us really good news or really bad news. Also, Clint is pretty miserable with these fevers and this rash. So if we could get some extra prayers that this is GVH and that it will do it's job and then leave that'd be awesome :) Thank you so much for all the support! We couldn't do this without the amazing people around us. We love you!

I also want to give a BIG thank you to Clint's family and everyone who helped and came to the yard sale Saturday! You guys are the best! And a BIG thanks to Riker for doing the donor drive. I know I feel great knowing that I could possibly save a life! If you were not able to make it I will be posting the information on how you can sign up for the donor registry online really soon...so stay tuned!

Home

2010-09-21T23:14:00.002-06:00

We're Home!!! We finally just said we're out of here! The doctors weren't super excited about the idea, but since they knew they weren't really doing much for us there anyways, they didn't fight us too much. Clint is still having a fever here and there, but they haven't been able to find anything. So we're hoping that with all the antibiotics he's on one of them will do their job. He finished his last dose of vidaza today so maybe that will help the fevers go away too, who knows.

Well tomorrow (or today now because it's after midnight), Wednesday, is the big '10 year anniversary' (I think I misled people on a post earlier to believe it was on Tuesday, but thanks for all the sweet messages, I just figured we'd celebrate a little today too:)! So Clint and I are taking off for a couple days (thanks to some amazing friends and the best transplant coordinator in the world) so I probably won't post again for a bit.

Just a quick leukemia update...Clint's counts are looking pretty good. The vidaza brought them down a bit, he had to have a blood transfusion on Sunday, but they seem to be coming back up again. We were lucky that we started the vidaza when his counts were almost normal, I think that helped a lot.
Yesterday was a little rough for me. I think I just needed one of those mini breakdown days. I was just feeling like all of our doctors have given up on Clint and it was very frustrating. I've been spending a lot of time on the LLS(leukemia & lymphoma society) message boards the last few days, just trying to find out if there is anyone out there in a situation similar to Clints. I have come across a bunch of new information, drugs, treatment options, etc. So we have been talking a lot to our transplant coordinator, LaDee, to see what she's heard about some of them. She is going to set up a conference with one of the docs soon so we can go over all the questions I have and see what our options are. I know that our situation is bad. Really bad. But I am going to fight for all the time we can get! Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of faith in our doctors. I believe they are doing what they think is best for Clint. I just want to know there is a plan in place if the vidaza stops working. So hopefully we can meet with the docs and get some answers about what treatment options are available to us, should we need them.
I know it will take a miracle to cure Clint of AML. But I believe in miracles. I believe they happen everyday. I have seen them happen for us already. And I see no reason why we can't believe we will get some more miracles.

Anyways, I'd better get some sleep. But if we could get a few extra prayers for Clint's fevers to go away that would be amazing! Again, we are so blessed and so grateful for all the love and support we have around us. Thank you so much!!!

***Don't forget about the Be The Match Donor Drive this Saturday! Come join me in signing up to be a donor and possibly save a life! And stop by the Jepperson Family Yard Sale Friday & Saturday!

My Mom

2010-09-20T22:49:00.003-06:00

I don't know what I would do without you mom! Hope you had a super duper birthday! You deserve it so much! Thanks for always being there for me. I could not have dreamed up a better mom. I love you more than you'll ever know!!!
I know you'll probably kill me for putting this picture on here, but I wanted everyone to know what the best mom in the world looks like! We love you!!!

Jepperson Family Yard Sale #2

2010-09-20T11:27:00.002-06:00

Clint's family is having another yard sale!!!

This Friday September 24 from 10-8
& Saturday September 25 from 8-4
Location: 1855 W 1100 N
Pleasant Grove

They'll have tons of great stuff!
So come by and find something you never knew you needed :)
Feel free to spread the word.....Thanks!