Really missing Clint tonight. I feel like I'm failing at this single parenting business, it sucks!! I miss having him take over when he'd get home from work. I miss being able to call him and tell him the boys are driving me crazy. I miss asking him what to do when they just keep pushing all my buttons. I just miss him! It's been long enough, I just want him back!
I know how lucky I am to have my boys. They are so amazing and I'm truly blessed to be their mom. But everything just seemed so much easier when there were two of us to figure it all out.
But here's to hoping I can still figure it out. One day at a time...

We're still alive and kicking over here.
Life just gets too busy.
Summer has definitely thrown us off our schedule and we are all sleep deprived.
I will try to update soon, although that seems very overwhelming because it's been so long and there are so many things to post about.
Thanks to all our friends and family that keep us going.....one day at a time!
Love you all!

Seriously why am I awake right now! So much for the melatonin working so great :(
I have so much on my mind. Have really been struggling the last few days. I just feel so lonely, and it's not that I haven't been around people lately. I just don't know what it is, it's like a whole new loneliness has set in.
I don't understand where it's coming from. I just passed the 2 year mark of Clint's diagnosis (it was on Saturday), so I don't know if that's it. Plus it's my birthday tomorrow. I don't know why that bothers me so much. But it does. I just really hate the thought that I'm getting older without him. I've never cared about getting older, but I also always thought we'd be doing it together. It's really scary to think that I only have a couple more years and I'll be older than he got to be.
I just miss him so much! I'd give anything to just feel his arms around me, or to feel his kiss on my lips. I really need him. What was God thinking? I really don't want to do this alone anymore.
Ugh! I really need some sleep. Hopefully I'll get some and then things will seem a little brighter. It's a good thing I have three amazing boys who keep me going. Love those little guys more than anything!
One Day At A Time!
I can do this!

Oh Nate

So the last few weeks the boys have had homophones for their spelling words. A couple weeks ago they had the words vain, vein, and vane so I was trying to explain the different meanings for them all. We talked about the vein in your body and the weather vane and then I was trying to explain vain. I said something like "If you think you're prettier than someone or better than someone than you're vain" and Nate looked up at me and said "That's how I felt before you cut my hair". I was laughing SO hard. He was so serious, I don't think he's ever going to forgive me for cutting his hair! Oh Nate I love you!! And I'm really sorry that you don't feel so vain anymore ;)

This past weekend I did something so far out of my comfort zone.
I went to the LDS widow & widowers conference.
I did not know a single person there and for those of you who know me at all you know that I am NOT a people person! In fact I almost turned around and walked out when I got there.
But what an amazing experience!! I learned SO much and met so many amazing people. It was really nice to be surrounded by so many others who unfortunately understood what it's like to have lost a spouse.
The title of this conference was "Finding Joy In Your Journey" and when I got home some one had posted this on facebook and it reminded me of some of the things I'd heard at the conference. (except I would change the 'have' to 'had')

I know I still have a life to live, still don't know what it will consist of, but I do know that I came away with a renewed desire to be happy. And more than anything I want my three amazing boys to be happy!
Another thing I came away from this conference with was how blessed I really am. I was one of the few people there who is lucky enough to be surrounded by amazing supportive family (amazing in-laws included) and amazing friends. I really don't know how people get through something like this without support. So to all of you out there who are there for me every single day, thank you SO much, you truly will never know how much you mean to me!

Plus it was a great reminder that I have eternity to look forward to with the most incredible man there is! Can't wait!! I love you sweetie!

Hair Cuts

So the boys have all needed hair cuts for a very very long time! Nate has been 'growing his out' for a while and let's just say he doesn't have the best hair for a long style. I did feel pretty bad because he was pretty tore up when I was cutting it. He actually started crying when I was cutting the back and said "that's my favorite part" :( it was pretty sad. So I promised him he could try growing it out again and next time we'll get a 'real' hair cutter to cut it so it looks better.

Nate before
another before
Nate after
Nik before
Nik after
I don't know why I didn't get a picture of Noah's before and after but I'll get a picture of him on here soon!

Fire Truck Fun!

It really pays off to have an uncle who's a fireman!
Uncle Trevor and the other fireman on his crew stopped by our house (it was a slow fire day ;) and my boys got to go for a ride in the 100 ft bucket! They loved it and are still talking about it! Thank Uncle Trevor for making a boring Tuesday into such a fun one! We love you!!

These pictures really don't show just how high in the air they were, it was crazy!
Hanging out over the house
and over the neighbors houses


They thought they were pretty cool!