The last couple weeks have been so crazy.
They have been so busy. More busy than I ever remember being before.
Which is probably good because there have also been some really rough days.
There was hitting two months without Clint. And then on April 21 it was a year from the day we first heard that word that changed our lives forever. Then our first Easter without him. And then Monday was my first birthday without him. It's all just really hard.

There are also so many great things that I need to blog about. But right now I am completely exhausted. I feel like all my posts have been so down lately. I really do think I'm doing alright most of the time. So I promise to try to post something fun and positive soon!
Thank you so much to all of you who are still keeping me and the boys in your thoughts and prayers. It is amazing the difference it makes in our lives. Love ya!

And just to tide you over here's a pic of my cute boys on one of our hikes in snow canyon over spring break...
Love these boys. They keep me going.

two months

Today has been pretty rough. I have been very emotional. It's really hard to think that it's only been two months. I feel like it's been forever since I was able to see his face. And it's very hard not knowing how many years it'll be before I will be able to see it again.
I miss him so much. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe because I miss him so much.
It's hard to even go out some days because it's really hard seeing other couples together. It's also hard to watch TV because it just makes me think how unfair it is that he is not here to hold my hand, or hug me, or kiss me. Everything is just really hard.
I want to thank everyone for the thoughts, calls, texts, etc. today. It really helps me to know there are so many people who love me and my boys. Love you all!

A garage door that opens with the push of a button=
One happy Amy!!!

Tonight was rough.

I am really missing Clint.
The boys are really missing their dad.
Why did everything seem so much easier when he was here.

Moab

We just got back from spending the weekend in Moab with my mom and dad.
Here are the boys on our first hike in Canyonlands.
It was fun.
The boys loved it!
The weather even cooperated with us (I even got a little sunburn on my face:)

But it was also really hard.
I thought it might be a little tough going there without him.
But it was really, really hard.
When we were getting close to town I saw the parking lot to a jeep trail that we'd gone on the last time we were there and I lost it. (Luckily the boys were engrossed in a movie so they didn't wonder what the heck was wrong with me.)
The boys all yelled out "There's Hotel 6, that's where we stayed last time with dad" when we passed Motel 6. It was fun to hear them talk about the memories of Moab they have with their dad. And I'm glad there are so many.

But right now I am mad. I am trying really hard not to be. But I am.
I am mad that they didn't get to make new memories with their dad this trip. I am mad that their first trip to the top of the sand hill with their rolls and flips on the way down, and their first time hiking to delicate arch, won't be associated with their dad.
I am just mad that he's not here.
Don't get me wrong, I know that he was there with us. I know that he got to see his boys do all these amazing things for the first time. But right now I just want him here. With me.
I just want to be able to hold his hand while we follow the boys on hikes. I just want to hear him tell me to 'relax and just let them be boys'. I want him to take us for a jeep ride. I miss our jeep rides.
I miss everything about him...


I know that I am so blessed.
And that I have so much more in my life than so many others. But sometimes it is just hard to not be mad. But even through the madness (I know right:) I know my Heavenly Father is there for me. I know he loves me so much! I know that as hard as this trial seems to me there are people out there going through worse things.
I am so blessed to have the gospel in my life. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the plan of salvation and that I can be with Clint for eternity! I am so grateful for my Savior and the peace he brings in my life.

I heard a quote today that I love...
"Begin to be now what you will be hereafter"
So hopefully I will wake up tomorrow a little less mad so I can start working on that:) I know I'm horrible huh?!?
Goodnight All. Love ya.

and i'll try to get more moab pics soon

Well we survived the first night in the new house.
I don't think I got much sleep, but the boys all seemed to sleep great! Yeah!

More to come later....

One Month...

Today has been really hard.

I have been very emotional.

It has been one month since the love of my life took his last breath.
One month without his kisses, his "I love you's", his touch.

I miss him.

I know I'll see him again, but I just really want to see him right now.
I think I'm going to try to go to sleep early tonight. Maybe I'll get lucky and see him in my dreams.

Goodnight.

ONE DAY AT A TIME