Wednesday, July 27, 2011

23 Weeks

161 days
Since I've seen his face
Felt his kiss
Heard him tell me he loved me
It's been long enough

I felt like I was doing fairly well
But things seem to be getting harder
I'm just done being without him
I just want to tell God (let's not lie, I have told Him)
That's enough, You need to bring him back now
It's been long enough

I hate having to make every decision for me and the boys
I hate not having him here to talk things over with
To agree or disagree with me
I just want to hear him talk to me

It's just really hard
Even when we are doing fun things it almost pisses me off, because all I can think of is 'I wish he was here' 'I wish he could see this'
But in all honesty pretty much everything pisses me off these days. I'm pissed when I see happy couples because I want the love of my life back. I'm pissed when I see unhappy couples, don't they know how lucky they are to be alive and have each other right there. Let's face it I'm just pissed when I see couples period! I'm pissed when I see old people, because they're old and Clint will never grow old with me.
(Sorry about the overusage of the word pissed.)

I don't want to be angry
I want to be happy
And sometimes I really am
But I just miss him
So much
Every second

I know that I am truly blessed, sometimes it's just hard to think of that through the grief
But I am
I am loved by the most amazing man
I have three amazing boys who love me even through all my craziness
I have an awesome, supportive extended family
I have the greatest friends
I have a Heavenly Father who loves me (even when I'm angry with him)
And a Savior who died for me, and who knows exactly how I'm feeling
Plus a million other things I've been blessed with

I guess I just need to try harder to concentrate on the blessings list and not so much on the pissed off list

I'm trying, I'm really trying

2 comments:

Kyle and Shanalee said...

I can't imagine your grief. I wish I could do or say something to make it easier for you. I don't know what else to say except for I love you!!

Laurie John said...

Look what he left you with - 3 clones that you can look at everyday and see his face, 3 little ones that need you to make decisions (what if there were no decisions that had to be made?). And even though you can't hold him, he will grow old with you, because he is always right beside you. Hugs...