Moab

We just got back from spending the weekend in Moab with my mom and dad.
Here are the boys on our first hike in Canyonlands.
It was fun.
The boys loved it!
The weather even cooperated with us (I even got a little sunburn on my face:)

But it was also really hard.
I thought it might be a little tough going there without him.
But it was really, really hard.
When we were getting close to town I saw the parking lot to a jeep trail that we'd gone on the last time we were there and I lost it. (Luckily the boys were engrossed in a movie so they didn't wonder what the heck was wrong with me.)
The boys all yelled out "There's Hotel 6, that's where we stayed last time with dad" when we passed Motel 6. It was fun to hear them talk about the memories of Moab they have with their dad. And I'm glad there are so many.

But right now I am mad. I am trying really hard not to be. But I am.
I am mad that they didn't get to make new memories with their dad this trip. I am mad that their first trip to the top of the sand hill with their rolls and flips on the way down, and their first time hiking to delicate arch, won't be associated with their dad.
I am just mad that he's not here.
Don't get me wrong, I know that he was there with us. I know that he got to see his boys do all these amazing things for the first time. But right now I just want him here. With me.
I just want to be able to hold his hand while we follow the boys on hikes. I just want to hear him tell me to 'relax and just let them be boys'. I want him to take us for a jeep ride. I miss our jeep rides.
I miss everything about him...


I know that I am so blessed.
And that I have so much more in my life than so many others. But sometimes it is just hard to not be mad. But even through the madness (I know right:) I know my Heavenly Father is there for me. I know he loves me so much! I know that as hard as this trial seems to me there are people out there going through worse things.
I am so blessed to have the gospel in my life. I am so grateful for the knowledge I have of the plan of salvation and that I can be with Clint for eternity! I am so grateful for my Savior and the peace he brings in my life.

I heard a quote today that I love...
"Begin to be now what you will be hereafter"
So hopefully I will wake up tomorrow a little less mad so I can start working on that:) I know I'm horrible huh?!?
Goodnight All. Love ya.

and i'll try to get more moab pics soon

Well we survived the first night in the new house.
I don't think I got much sleep, but the boys all seemed to sleep great! Yeah!

More to come later....

One Month...

Today has been really hard.

I have been very emotional.

It has been one month since the love of my life took his last breath.
One month without his kisses, his "I love you's", his touch.

I miss him.

I know I'll see him again, but I just really want to see him right now.
I think I'm going to try to go to sleep early tonight. Maybe I'll get lucky and see him in my dreams.

Goodnight.

ONE DAY AT A TIME

Still here.

Very tired.

Very overwhelmed.

But so very blessed.

ONE DAY AT A TIME

A friend sent this link to me.

It is amazing.

It was just what I needed.

You should all take the time to read it.

My favorite part..."Your reflections will increase your faith in Him as you see His hand helping you to endure some things and to change others. You will be able to rejoice in one more day, one more step toward eternal life."

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

It's been 3 weeks.

Sometimes it seems like just yesterday.

Sometimes it seems like it has been forever.

I miss him every second.

It's really hard.

I'm so blessed to know this is true.

I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me.

I will be with Clint for eternity,
as long as I make the choices that will get me there.

Noah and I ran errands today.
I actually made a list last night.
And I actually did everything on the list today.
Amazing.
We went to the mortuary (hopefully for the last time), the bank, the credit union, the post office, the furniture store, the gas station, and the headstone place.
Yeah that last one was rough. There are so many options and I have no idea what I want. Plus they are dang expensive. I left without making any decisions, other than deciding I needed to go walk around the cemetery (when it warms up a bit) to figure out what size, color, etc. I want.
As much as I don't want to pick one out, I really want to get it done. It is pretty sad to go to the cemetery right now and have nothing there. I think it will be good for the boys to have something to look at when we go there.

I think we are doing okay. The days are still long, but the nights are longer. It is just so hard to go from being with Clint pretty much 24/7 for the last 10 months to him just being gone. It's hard when the boys are fighting and I know that I am the one who is gonna have to break up every fight. It just sucks not having Clint here to enjoy that quiet time at night when the boys finally go to bed. That was OUR time.
I just really miss him.
The boys seem to be doing well. They are finally getting healthy again (I think they have been sick since the funeral). They are sleeping good and seem to be doing well in school. They talk about Clint quite a bit, which is good. I am so lucky to have them.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers and cards that continue to pour in. I could not make it through this without all of you! Love ya!


**If anyone has any ideas on headstones feel free to speak up:)

So I'm still here...made it through yet another day.
Things are okay I guess. Still just very surreal. I told my brother that I really hope that things stay surreal because I think the day it becomes really real is gonna be a very bad day.
The boys have started acting out a little. But they have also been sick. So who knows if they're acting out because they feel crummy or because they are missing their daddy. Or both (which I'm guessing is the case). Nate yelled "I Hate You" at me yesterday for the first time ever (after saying it to both his brothers) which made me break down. It was kind of a rough day.
I'm starting to freak out about the house a little. I don't know what I'm doing. I've never had to make all these choices by myself. And it sucks. There are things I want to do with it but I don't know if I should. And should I do things before we move in or after. Clint would know the answers to all my crazy questions and it kills me that he's not right here to tell me to relax, and that it will all work out.
Sometimes my heart hurts so bad that I literally feel like it is going to break apart. I miss him.
Sorry this post is kind of a downer:( didn't plan on that when I started. I think I'm just tired, so I'm gonna go and try to get some sleep.
Thank you so much for all the prayers that are still being said for us. Please continue to keep the boys in your prayers, I think they need them. Also, please keep Trev & Mel in your prayers, they need a few extra right now. Love you all.